Today I watched the world inside me once again. Once I thought that I had many dirty or strange essences in me. A desire for women or material success. But now I can see that it was made by others as a certain bully. They made me think of …

Today, reading Yoshimichi Nakajima's "Nietzsche", I thought about this. "Why do I want to do philosophy?". Why do I ask various philosophical questions to me? To live 'a better life'? Then, what is the meaning of live 'a better life'? Once…

A native speaker pointed out my mistakes in writing in English. Frankly, it's difficult to accept the fact that I made mistakes. But I don't want to say that it would be OK if I could be understood. It's a so-called 'so-what attitude'. A J…

There are some interesting opinions in Tetsuya Furuta's book "The First Wittgenstein". "Once Wittgenstein answered the question by his friend that how to make this world better. 'Change yourself better'. That is only one thing you can do t…

I went to a library and borrowed Hitoshi Nagai's "The philosophy for children" and Nietzsche's "On Genealogy of Morals". Hitoshi Nagai's this book was the one I had read again and again when I was a student at Waseda. And it still brings m…

Recently I've been listening to Kenji Ozawa's albums again. Especially I've been into the albums "The Dogs Bark, But The Caravan Moves On" and "LIFE". I guess these two albums are asking me a question. It's that "Can you praise an ordinary…

This morning I joined the room that a friend Cindy had opened on Clubhouse. I learned "how to speak English with confidence" with other members. We learned how to manage our voices' tone and volume, and after that, we talked about how to m…

I started having an interest in Haruki Murakami again. I want to read his debut novel "Hear The Wind Sings". It's just a novel about ordinary life. The characters spend their time listening to The Beach Boys with minor activities such as g…

This afternoon I had a chance to see a woman who had met once at an English conversation class. She praised my English and told me about another English meeting in this city. Of course, I felt very thankful for her kindness. I heard that o…

Today we had an online meeting about autism. Caring corona, we had it on ZOOM. This time I talked about how I have done my activity on Clubhouse. I had started using it with the recommendation of a person who is from the Shiso Internationa…

Truman Capote declared that “I'm an alcoholic. I'm a drug addict. I'm homosexual. I'm a genius”. TBH once I had thought that I might be a genius so I had to live this difficult life and become an alcoholic. The ecstasy and anxiety of being…

I started reading Yoshikichi Furui's "The Passage of Chimes". I remember that I will be 47 this year. But even at this age, I have never dated anyone so marriage is a dream. My life has been separated from any beautiful youth. In "The Pass…

I made a draft for my presentation at the meeting about autism the next Sunday. It is about the activity I have done on Clubhouse. I had started Clubhouse by the recommendation of a friend to express myself in English. And I met Judith and…

Today, at the 'danshu' meeting we had the topic about what is happiness we can define. Once I believed that 'through a good university we must enter a good company' somewhere in my mind. A very 'ordinary' happiness. Therefore after I notic…

Today my company had the chance to check every employee's health condition. I remember the past. When I was a heavy drinker, I couldn't control my eating and drinking. I ate a lot, drank a lot, and couldn't listen to the doctor's recommend…

I heard that today was Fernando Pessoa's birthday. Now I'm reading the Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet" by coincidence. I got surprised at this. "The Book Of Disquiet" attracts me by not good storytelling, but various vivid difficulties to …

Today was a day off. In the morning I went to Aeon and tried to read books there as usual. But those books told nothing to me. I even thought that I would not be able to understand what they were saying anymore. Of course, I won't say that…

Should I quit Twitter? I feel that my mind gets too narrow if I keep on tweeting. I might get the habit of responding to various opinions in front of me every day. Atsushi Sasaki writes in his "The Critic King" that we need reflexes to cri…

I started reading Douglas Murray's "The Madness Of Crowds". Quite an interesting book. I have to reflect on myself after reading this. Although this book treats how declaring about being gay or feminist too much can work badly, I remember …

Today I worked early. I write about what happened yesterday in this diary when I wake up. Writing them using the memo pad I always put in my pocket. After that, I have breakfast, take a shower, wash my clothes, and enjoy chatting on Discor…

TBH today was a day off so I did some homework for the English conversation class yesterday. I wrote about the episode I remembered by a chance in an English article. When I was 40, I met a woman at a meeting about autism accidentally, and…

Today was a day off. In the morning I joined the room Judith had opened on Clubhouse and talked a little. I talked about I had been reading Hiromi Shimada's "Aum", but I might not be able to tell what I wanted to say. Judith might think th…

I keep on reading Hiromi Shimada's "Aum" and think about the group Aum. Who was the guru Shoko Asahara, the leader of Aum? According to the book "Aum", Shoko Asahara had various faces actually. Sometimes he showed the face of a leader, who…

I couldn't see the reason why but I had been sleepy today. After today's work, although I had thought I should read Hiromi Shimada's "Aum" or watch any movies, but after having dinner I slept a lot. And I woke up and found it was too late.…

I found that Judith had opened her room on Clubhouse. I attended there and talked with her and other members. The topic was about 'do you follow back the person if you are asked to do so by them?'. Do I say that following back to me? Me, I…

I thought if we could have the meeting we once had once a month in a temple again. If we could, I would talk about the room "Let Our Souls Talk" on Clubhouse, in which I have spoken of autism, my life itself, and the love I had experienced…

I always think about how I can go into 'working mode' before I start working. I try to think about 'working mode' in my head but can find nothing. But when I go to the workplace, wear the uniform, climb up the stairway, scan the timecard, …

I thought about what should be the next topic to talk about on Clubhouse. I thought that I had let everything out completely, but I wanted to talk about the meetings about autism and also the 'danshu' meetings if I start another topic. How…

I'm bad at doing any communication. I can't manage to talk as everyone does therefore I can't lead anyone to bring to the proper place. So I can never be any leader. But when I made groups on MeWe and Discord, people joined them. I'm glad …

Today I went to the hospital to see the doctor about my autism. After that, I came back to my home and enjoyed chatting. I was said that "I thought you have overcome autism". Yes, this comment is from the person's goodness I believe. But a…