I worked late today. This morning, I read Masaki Nakamasa's book "Normie Illusion [仲正昌樹『〈リア充〉幻想』]". In my opinion, this book has a light and mild narrative therefore easy to understand, but also must have provoking content to think about.
I was interested in reading it because I was recently reminded of an "ultra" cruel criminal. Once, he killed many innocent people brutally in Akihabara in 2008 (so-called "Akihabara massacre"). This Nakamasa's book tells about him. But, in a way, this also explains how hard MY life can be. For example, as the criminal struggled, I had to feel a huge, greedy desire to be accepted by others as a fellow.
Yes... How can I be accepted as a member by others? In a special term, we say it "esteem needs" or "need for approval". Once, when I was young and ignorant, I tried to deny that kind of desire for approval in me because I thought that desire was too greedy and unreal. In other words, I tried to think that I needed no friend anymore - with plenty of sources of books and music, I had to live this life toughly to become a super person. But, as you might already notice, that's surely an unreal idea.
As I have written in this journal, my life actually changed at 40 when I met my job coach and also various friends in my real life. After that, I started learning English again to make friends and also to learn various things. Although I could never expect this, my skill/ability of communication might have improved through these activities. My stubborn, very "icy" bias was melted by others' intimate attitudes, which have opened mine.
Today my job coach and I had a meeting about my job. We discussed some topics such as insomnia, the new staff of my group home, and my distorted automatic thinking style (in a special term, we say "cognitive distortions"). After that meeting, she said that I could build my whole life's plan toward the future from now. Of course, I need to think about my life's plan to live more steadily... Once, I had been too depressed to live this life with a positive, creative mind. But now, my life or my mind seems actually changed enough to live steadily.
