BGM: Spiral Life - Another Day, Another Night
I learned an important concept "basic trust" from psychologist Erickson. This means the trust that "I'm the one and only precious person", and this has been built by the relationship with my parents. I was loved by my parents, but also I had been blamed by classmates as a strange kid therefore I couldn't learn this "basic trust" in myself. I thought that I was a weird creature, and it took a long time to learn the pride which says "I am me though everyone blames me terribly". That pride also enables me to accept other people's characters. Indeed, I have still not learned it, but I think I got better.
Today I worked late. This morning, I read Tetsuya Furuta's book "This game has no goal". It contains a really thrilling discussion and also logic is very clear. It grips me well. The author's daughter made a lie, and it starts this book's discussion. The lies which are contained in our communication, and the uncertainty... are the topics of this book. We tend to think from those kinds of experiences that "this person is telling me a lie?" or "this person is hiding his honest opinion?", and we easily become doubtful. But those doubtful attitudes couldn't become productive. We need communication even if it would contain uncertainty, and that is real life.
I thought about myself. As I wrote several times, I was once terribly doubtful for other people, this world. I am an autistic person so I can't read other people's minds, and I also got ashamed because I couldn't read the context during the conversation with other people. I couldn't (or can't) read the lines... "everyone hates me". I believed so and was soaked in the sea of books and music lonely instead of making friends. Now I can see that it was wrong. My parents and some classmates might love me. But according to me, I was hated by everyone and I should go away. Why does that situation provide me the "basic trust"?
I have been raised with the comment "being honest is beautiful". I am trying to be honest even now. But that honesty would work dangerously. When I try to do job hunting, I have to say that "your company is the best one I want to join" (although the person from the company won't believe this seriously). If I was in love, I would say a lie "I swear eternal love". Telling lies mean that I have paradoxical opinions in me. I can't do so. But I won't say that I am "therefore" a saint. Having paradoxical opinions would show the evidence of the power human being can have positively. I can't be so strong, so I have to live like Charlie Brown.