The Dogs Bark, But The Caravan Moves On.

2022/06/28 English

Today I watched the world inside me once again. Once I thought that I had many dirty or strange essences in me. A desire for women or material success. But now I can see that it was made by others as a certain bully. They made me think of myself like that. Now people say I'm pure. I can't see which is true. In myself, I can exactly find a desire for women or success. But I won't show it intentionally because I don't want to be hated by my friends. I might become an adult.

I read Yoshimichi Nakajima's "On solitude" and "The textbook of philosophy" again. Yoshimichi Nakajima recommends that look back to our childhood if we had a terrible childhood. Reflecting terrible memories can work creatively. Or the hardship of childhood can have some clue to living a better life. I can remember that I had been blamed by "Pervert!" or "I can't understand what you are thinking". Yes, it was hell. I still can't see and treat women fairly because once I had been hated by women like that. My classmates blamed me as a dirty person like a poisonous worm.

Today I opened a room on Clubhouse. This time I used Japanese mainly. I talked about Kobo Abe's "Woman in the dunes", Maurice Blanchot, and Haruki Murakami with another member. What can we read from Haruki's and Kafka's novels? For me, Haruki's novels are the same as Kazushi Hosaka's and Raymond Carver's. They express the 'something holy in our daily life'. But other people might read extraordinary essences or adventures in Haruki's novels. It's Haruki's greatness that we can read his novels in various ways. I also talked about Yoshimichi Nakajima, but mainly we talked about literature.

At night I went to the English conversation class. I talked with many people. Today we learned that America has four parts (East coast, West coast, etc). And the teachers taught me each part's people's character (for example, political policy). We also talked about several regions in Japan. How do people have their character and policy? Various opinions appeared as "In the Kanto area, udon soup is black and salty" and "In Shiso city, people like slow life and peaceful atmosphere". The topic went to how is the English language spoken all over the world. I couldn't follow the topic well because I had not learned world history seriously. Yes, today was also a great day.






From Mezzanine 2022/06/28

Today I went to the English conversation class again. I have written my diary in English and Japanese for over a year, even if I have never decided to do something great. I just wanted to do the action like this. So the people who like me accept this as evidence that I like English. Also, I feel thrilled when I talk with ALTs and learn about America and other countries, or global facts. Today I learned the difference between America and Japan, and I enjoyed it. I feel thankful for this.

I remember the movie "Arrival" by Denis Villeneuve. In this movie, a female linguist appears. She tries to understand the language of aliens. She learns it from aliens directly. It leads her to learn the concepts and also their way of thinking by them. By learning it, she has been changed, and her points of view and values also have been changed... an interesting movie. For me, I exactly feel that my points of view have been changing by learning English. By using English I can feel that I can think about things cleverer and remake my opinions better. Or I can say this. I have got another way of thinking by learning English.

This might be the attitude of speaking that "Our language must be English only" and throwing the beauty of Japanese away or also omitting the goodness of thinking things Japanese. I never think that thinking Japanese works as low performance. But I can say this. Since starting writing in English, my Japanese has changed and my ways of thinking also have done so. All I want to say is how important for us of using another language and changing ourselves drastically. We can think it is more important or more thrilling than we imagine.

Then, how that kind of changing myself would be? I have learned through various thoughts that I am not any static thing but the one which can change its shape like water. But in this case, the change doesn't arrive instantly. All I do is just inputting English into my mind or my head and train my black box/unconsciousness. How it would appear as a certain change? What would I find if I keep on learning English? I learn English and try to find how to use two selves in myself while waiting for the day I can be a true bilingual who has the sensitivity to various cultures.







2022/06/27 English

Today, reading Yoshimichi Nakajima's "Nietzsche", I thought about this. "Why do I want to do philosophy?". Why do I ask various philosophical questions to me? To live 'a better life'? Then, what is the meaning of live 'a better life'? Once I believed that becoming 'rich' or 'big' meant 'a better life', and now I think it's wrong... No, this is not correct. It doesn't 'suit me'. Other people might have some different opinions. Then, where is that kind of difference born?

Following the discussions in the "Nietzsche", I think about my life. I can't see what will happen in the next moment. I might die in the next moment... I live that kind of unknown moment in the future. In other words, I have to live 'now' with my full energy. I guess that what Nietzsche and Nakajima want to say is how important that kind of energy in me is. Indeed, it must be strange to live a life with thinking about when I would die. But I like Wittgenstein's philosophy and it tells me how important to doubt our common sense (Wittgenstein doubts the fact that the sun would rise from the East tomorrow!).

By the way, why do I think like philosophically? Living with thinking about nothing, and letting myself into the huge flow of my life might be the evidence of the person's smartness. But I can't stop thinking. I can't stop flooding my thoughts from my mind. Then, I face them and think as deeply as possible. For example, I am a controllable being by me? Or I am just an automaton that responds to other people's actions therefore I am not controllable? That is the way of my life that I have built by learning from Nakajima, Nietzsche, and Wittgenstein. I would keep on thinking until I will die. Even if I would live a miserable life because of it.

Or, the fact that I had been bullied or called mad might lead me to the state Nakajima calls 'a philosophical illness'. However I try to live following common sense, I would do strange actions. Therefore people call me that I am stupid or an idiot. But I am this myself so I have built strong logic within me. Now I read Nietzsche's "The Gay Science" and Hitoshi Nagai's "What is ethics". Both are different books but they would lead me to the truth. The truth... but all I can ask for is just a truth for me? Can there still be the ethical 'universal truth' in such a confused and divided world by various points of view? Now, the truth like 'we shouldn't kill others' could be doubted by us...


今日、中島義道ニーチェ』を読みながらふと「どうして自分は哲学をしたいと思うのだろうか」と考えた。なぜ自分自身に問いかけるのか。「よく生きる」ため? ならば「よく生きる」とはどういうことだろうか、と。かつては私も「偉くなる」や「金持ちになる」ことが「よい人生」だと思っていたのだけれど、今はそれは間違いだと思っている。いや、これは正確な言い方ではない。「私にとっては」それはしっくりこない生き方である。他の人にとってはまた違ってくるのだろう。なら、どこからそうした相違は生まれうるのだろう。



あるいは、私がずっといじめられたり変な人だと言われたりしてきたことがこうした、中島義道言うところの「哲学病」に自分を導くのかもしれない。どうあがいても人と異なることをしてしまい、変だとかバカだとか罵られて嗤われる。それでも私は自分自身でしかありえないので、この自分を守るためにずいぶん理論武装して鍛え上げてきた。今、私はニーチェ『悦ばしき知識』を読み永井均『倫理とは何か』を読む。どちらも難解な本だが、私を真理へと導いてくれるとも思う。真理……私が追いかけられるのはしかし、「私だけの」真理ではないだろうか。普遍的な真理が今もなお、ここまで分断された社会にありうるものだろうか? 「他人を殺めてはいけない」という真理すらも、今は揺さぶられている時代ではないだろうか。

From mezzanine: 2022/06/27

I'm reading Yoshimichi Nakajima's "Nietzsche: Living in nihilism". Yoshimichi Nakajima blames the Japanese atmosphere that people read Nietzsche's philosophy as a clean or poisonless one. People try to read him as something safe and easy... I have to admit that I am also the person who read Nietzsche as a soft and positive thing. Of course, it shows my laziness which leads me to understand him quickly so I have to be ashamed. In this reading, I noticed that Nakajima asks us the question 'how to live a better life?' by quoting Nietzsche. What is the meaning of 'living a better life'? It seems an easy question but I can't get any good or exact answer if I try to think about this one in my head only.

Someday we will die. This is our fate. Nakajima looks at this fact. I have to follow him and look at this. Then, I might reach the answer like this. It would be a waste of time if we had to look at that fate and accept our death. Once I thought so. We can't run away from this fate... Once I had thought that I would die one day so everything must be s**t. Or the fact that I was here must be a 'mistake'. I believed so and wished the death at 40. So I drank a lot of alcohol.

Now I have stopped drinking alcohol for over seven years. Of course, I have never been free from the fact that I must die. But I believe that my current life must be better than the one when I drank a lot. Of course, I won't say I must be always perfect! I say various strange things and make a lot of mistakes. But, following Nakajima, I am exactly finding a certain meaning in 'building' or 'remaking' my life. That's my opinion. Indeed, how better I make myself, I will die. My mind and body will disappear (maybe).

But (I believe that) I'm feeling a strong pleasure or ecstasy because I can provide some happiness to others and help this world. This fullness can't be explained by any logic. It is very physical as the pleasure of doing sports or eating good meals. It must be felt by 'this body itself'. Yes, this pleasure is only mine and I can't deliver this to you (even if I try to express it in my language). I think it is not understandable by thinking of the fact that psycho killers must have another sense of pleasure. But I choose the rude behavior. I throw 'my' philosophy to you like this. Just like Nietzsche and Nakajima tries to do so.