Life goes on brah!

2023/01/30 English

BGM: Spiral Life - Another Day, Another Night

I learned an important concept "basic trust" from psychologist Erickson. This means the trust that "I'm the one and only precious person", and this has been built by the relationship with my parents. I was loved by my parents, but also I had been blamed by classmates as a strange kid therefore I couldn't learn this "basic trust" in myself. I thought that I was a weird creature, and it took a long time to learn the pride which says "I am me though everyone blames me terribly". That pride also enables me to accept other people's characters. Indeed, I have still not learned it, but I think I got better.

Today I worked late. This morning, I read Tetsuya Furuta's book "This game has no goal". It contains a really thrilling discussion and also logic is very clear. It grips me well. The author's daughter made a lie, and it starts this book's discussion. The lies which are contained in our communication, and the uncertainty... are the topics of this book. We tend to think from those kinds of experiences that "this person is telling me a lie?" or "this person is hiding his honest opinion?", and we easily become doubtful. But those doubtful attitudes couldn't become productive. We need communication even if it would contain uncertainty, and that is real life.

I thought about myself. As I wrote several times, I was once terribly doubtful for other people, this world. I am an autistic person so I can't read other people's minds, and I also got ashamed because I couldn't read the context during the conversation with other people. I couldn't (or can't) read the lines... "everyone hates me". I believed so and was soaked in the sea of books and music lonely instead of making friends. Now I can see that it was wrong. My parents and some classmates might love me. But according to me, I was hated by everyone and I should go away. Why does that situation provide me the "basic trust"?

I have been raised with the comment "being honest is beautiful". I am trying to be honest even now. But that honesty would work dangerously. When I try to do job hunting, I have to say that "your company is the best one I want to join" (although the person from the company won't believe this seriously). If I was in love, I would say a lie "I swear eternal love". Telling lies mean that I have paradoxical opinions in me. I can't do so. But I won't say that I am "therefore" a saint. Having paradoxical opinions would show the evidence of the power human being can have positively. I can't be so strong, so I have to live like Charlie Brown.

2023/01/30 BGM: Spiral Life - Another Day, Another Night





2023/01/29 English

BGM: Massive Attack - Be Thankful For What You've Got

Today was a day off. This morning I went to the library and borrowed Kunio Suzuki's book. It reminds me of my teenage days... when I was a high school student, I was into ultra-leftism. As I always write, I was bullied heavily to empower my aggressiveness. But I didn't study leftism so much. I just got crazy about Yoshinori Kobayashi's cartoon and pretended to be a patriot. A patriot with left... in short, I was an idiot. I still feel ashamed about that, and it brings us the lesson that "enduring loneliness too much would affect you a lot".

And I went to Waseda (for a really enigmatic reason) and suffered from a serious identity crisis. I saved and built myself with hate for the outside, so my belief was "everyone is my enemy". But entering Waseda I found that everyone from all of Japan (some were even from foreign lands) is just an ordinary person. They treated me naturally so I had to throw the belief "everyone is my enemy" away. Then, I had to face that I had never learned how to see other people. How could I open my mind and show my kindness to others? I couldn't do such an easy action, so I just had to face I could even no greeting to them. I couldn't make friends at all.

It was really dangerous I guess. I would become a "net-uyoku (almost the same meaning as "alt-right")" if the time was different. I could believe something passionately, and it would make me hate everyone. Literally, everyone could be my enemy and just I would live alone... this idea was from the book "My father became "net-uyoku"" I found at the library (of course, I want to read). In a conclusion, I have not become "net uyoku". I just became an adult with incomplete leftism. I would become like a criminal who caused the Akihabara massacre or who killed Shinzo Abe in the street. I strictly believe so. I would do something fatal I guess.

At last, I went back to my home town. I started thinking that I could write a novel. It would attract everyone's interest, so my life could make a kind of grand slam, therefore, I would be a millionaire (oh no, I find that I was really crazy!). But in fact, I couldn't write anything and was soaked in alcohol. It was life with embarrassing events like Osamu Dazai's novels. Now I belong to the "danshu" meeting and also other groups and have many friends so I caught certain happiness. Through the meetings with those friends, I accepted myself totally and could throw away my childish wishes and beliefs like "I am almighty", "I have talent", and "I am a genius (just this world won't accept it)"... I think that I am a lucky person. A really lucky person.

2023/01/29 BGM: Massive Attack - Be Thankful For What You've Got





2023/01/28 English

BGM: フジファブリック - 桜の季節

"Go home" and "Die soon". TBH I sometimes hear those comments to me. Indeed, it is not real. Just phantom. Now no one says that kind of thing to me. But once I was hated terribly and blamed a lot because of my existence. It has been still left in me. Once I remembered this trauma and was haunted by hate, and even imagined I would revenge them. I would hit them, set fire to their homes... I had a huge rage and was soaked in alcohol. I did nothing wrong then why did I have to see such terrible things? Hate was an intimate friend to me at that period... but now I have never imagined that. Life goes on and seasons change.

This afternoon I ate lunchbox with Kaseki Cider's music, who is a Japanese hip-hop artist. I heard that he is influenced by Motojiro Kajii, a Japanese legendary writer. I was impressed by his great tunes quoting Kajii's sentences and said fluent lyrics. Motojiro Kajii... great. I have Kajii's paperback I once bought cheaply from a used bookstore. I read it once and was deeply impressed. Reading his "Under Sakura trees", I remembered that I had been also impressed by Sakura's blooming because it seemed that Sakura's great vitality. I always think that it must be sublime so I can't stand close to it. Kajii writes that the blooming's beauty is because of the body under those trees. I can see that... this kind of idea might be the reason why I have been bullied.

Recently heavy snow affected my life, therefore, I can't ride my bike. So I go to the workplace on foot. It takes only 10 minutes to go but it makes me tired because of my fat body. Returning to my group home, I slept well. Just I slept, and also read Hitoshi Nagai's "Philosophical Investigations". I am this person and no one else. In short, this person who is writing this diary, watches weird videos, reads Hitoshi Nagai, and listens to Fujifabric. That's me. I have to be surprised at these activities. That confusion is in me... and this myself is also a single person for others. Other people have other personalities, and they are in this world. That makes me impressed. What a rich world it is.

In the 50s, I start thinking "how many Sakura I would be able to watch in this life?"... once I just believed without any sentimental emotion. "This life is over", "I don't care about my future, I would die alone so I decided to enjoy it now"... and I drank a lot. Now I feel a different opinion. "I just quit alcohol today. Just today". I can't see what this life would be like. I just do what I can do, and live every moment preciously to tomorrow. I believe that tomorrow would be a nice day. I enjoy Motojiro Kanjii, and also enjoy amazing music. Fujifabric, Spitz, and Sunny Day Service. Reading Ango also would be nice... my imagination increases.

2023/01/28 BGM: フジファブリック - 桜の季節



ここ最近雪の影響でバイクに乗れないので、徒歩で職場に通っている。歩いてたかだか10分なのだけれど、それでも普段ナマッた身体には疲れる。なので今日は帰ってきてからただひたすら惰眠を貪った。起きたら永井均存在と時間 哲学探究I』を読む。私が他の誰でもなくこの「私」、つまりここでこうして日記を書いたりエッチな動画を見たり、永井均を読んだりフジファブリックを聴いたりしている自分であること。そんな雑多な事柄をやってのける自分自身であることに驚くこと……だが、そんな私もまた他の人からすれば1人の人間である。他の人には他の人の人格があり、そうした人々が寄り集まってこの世界が出来上がっている。その事実が端的に私を感動させる。ああ、この世界は実に豊かだ。


2023/01/27 English

BGM: Polaris - 季節

I have loved pop music since I was a kid. When I was a high school student, I wanted to share my taste so joined a broadcasting club once. But my taste wasn't accepted by the other members. At that time, the cool musicians were George Michael, Phil Collins, etc. I had never listened to them so our tastes were completely different. And my taste was denied so I quit that club. I decided to pretend to act dead in the corner of a classroom until I left the school. As I wrote this once, I closed my mind because I thought I never needed any friends. I just went into the sea of books like Haruki Murakami, Banana Yoshimoto, Masahiko Shimada, etc. I was just such a great idiot.

Today I worked late. This morning I tried to read a book as usual, but I couldn't so just read Hitoshi Nagai and Kazuhiro Uchida's "Philosophical dialogues for children" randomly. In this book, Nagai writes "You are OK even though no one understands you". When I read this part for the first time as a college student, I was really impressed by this. No one understands me, but so what? I need no friends and I would live as a heresy... I read this part like this and chose to live my life alone. But now, I think that it must be wrong, or at least, it's a sad life. Now I think I need some friends. As an autistic person, I have kept on thinking about how living as an individual would be so I started thinking like that.

Now I read Hitoshi Nagai's writing like this. In short, being understood is important. Committing to others is really important... so I have a different opinion from Nagai. But I shouldn't sell my soul and open myself too much. I shouldn't give the important thing in myself to others... or I have to admit that I can't live such a life. Probably I might understand that I am just a freak, a heresy, a strange person. But that strangeness must be unique. Real friendship is between such a unique person to person. Having a unique individual personality is important, and it would bring me true friendships... once I misunderstood that and made many enemies. It was a hard time. Now I have many friends. What a comical life! I have always been a heresy.

This evening I learned that Kunio Suzuki had passed away. Once I was a fan of Yoshinori Kobayashi's manga. I learned Kunio Suzuki's opinions in that manga. When I was a college student, I read his columns in weekly magazines and was impressed by his personality and tenderness. I wrote my columns about the scenery of Waseda and sent them to Suzuki. Oh my gosh! I was really young. But Suzuki sent me a tender response to me and it impressed me again. I hope he read my bad writings with a smile... I would live my life as a poor leftist, but I want to follow Susuki's brave and soft attitude. I pray for him. RIP.