Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/01/17 English

Yesterday I enjoyed the meeting about autism. Maybe because of that, today I felt blue in the morning. I felt sick but I went to AEON because I could do nothing if I didn't eat something. At AEON, I wrote what I was feeling on my memo pad. In short, I did my routine. It's my private memo pad so I wrote a lot of selfish things. I got surprised by the words which come from me. I thought I would be alright if words still come from me. There is the source in me which contains the energy... it's instinct or curiosity?

I'm thinking about a student who attacked other people at Tokyo university. All I know is just the information news programs or the internet says, but I felt sad that he wanted to become a doctor and couldn't study well. Of course, if his effort makes his dream come true, that is awesome. But those kinds of uncontrollable facts make our lives profound I guess. I don't know how he was educated and what point of view he had, but I think it's foolish that he did that kind of injury because of those uncontrollable things. Although it sounds cruel...

I know the hardship of studying for joining university. It might be said that I was a successful person because I could join a good university. But joining a good university was not good for me. I don't think it made me happy. Good university and good company... are "decided" happiness I think. Of course, if you can believe that "decided" happiness can be your happiness, you should follow it. But if it isn't, you should chase your original happiness. I think my happiness is reading books and chasing my truth. I am doing so therefore I feel happiness.

I started attending the meetings about autism, and made a lot of "mates". With them, I have seen a lot of the scenery that people show their good characters and charms. They are quite unique people. I shouldn't hesitate to show myself. The things that flood me have the worth to be shown in this world... Life might be the process we chase our original and true happiness. We can decide what could be our happiness by ourselves. Ah, writing and sharing something as this let me live... I feel that.






2022/01/16 English

I've read Yoshikichi Furui's "Karioujyouden Shibun" completely. But my reading was not done with a quiet attitude. I just read the book which was half done because of getting bored. So I can't proud of it. After that, I read Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet". For me, reading something means killing boredom like this... I feel embarrassed. Just trying to cure my hardship because of this sober life. Or maybe does living itself mean killing boredom? This kind of extreme thinking leads to bad results...

I've read "Karioujyouden Shibun" eight times. I find new things by reading the book every time. I can't memorize that so I will keep on doing such a bad-cost reading. I want to write like him but I can't. I don't have any knowledge or talent. In addition, I can only write my Japanese. I should keep my adore as itself quietly, and walk my way only. Like that, I tried to read Koutarou Sawaki or Susumu Sogo and spent the night.

Today was the day of the meeting about autism. Every member brought their topics as problems or worries and talked about them. I brought there my problems with work. Various opinions came from them. I felt thankful because they gave me their wisdom. I have worked at my company for over 20 years so I don't know other companies. So the member who has their experience at other ones gave me precious advice. I want to use them. How should I do? Of course, it can't be changed in only one day.

Cleaning the room or using money were also the topics. Various opinions appeared. I found that these opinions were trying to open the problems which were hidden but exactly existed (we say it as "an elephant in a room"). So, writing about how we use money is the way to solve that problem. And using labels that say what is contained in various cases is also the way. Both are the way to try to "visualize". These ideas were said. I can't control my room or my money so this advice was hurt. I want to use that advice without stress.






With An Easy Mind

I have been writing my journal on Facebook for over half a year. I rarely read my past journal, but I found the fact that my mind must be so scattered if I read my past days randomly. That makes me sick... I sometimes get into the books of the science of the human mind, or sometimes into Yoshikichi Furui's books... This says I can never become any professor who needs to increase special knowledge step by step strictly. Autism is quite a mystery because it might be known as the strictness of something or seriousness. Or workaholics might be one of its characters. But this kind of scattered mind can be the one.

Today I read Yoshikichi Furui's "Karioujyouden Shibun". I read this book not seriously with patience. I once got bored of this book and threw it away, but today I picked the book and tried to read it and found it was readable, so I read it through the end. What a scattered mind. From the site "bookmeter", I learned that I have read this book eight times. But my reading is such a rough style so I can't be proud of it. After reading it, I wanted to read Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet" and I started to do so. But God only knows by when I can keep on doing that.

What is reading? I think this. This rough reading says that I can't say that my reading is for the knowledge I want to learn or the mind of getting myself educated well. Anyway, those kinds of serious reasons are not for that. I have stopped drinking alcohol when I was 40, so living sober is hard for me. Curing that hardship, I try to read books. I open any book's random page and read the letters. If it goes well, my mind goes into them and I can forget time. I can get into that book. That kind of "liquidation" of my mind. That is the stage I always want, so I read books. What a terrible reading! I should be ashamed.

Nowadays I read books like that. I am not interested in best sellers or newly published ones. Just the ones by Yoshikichi Furui, Fernando Pessoa, and Susumu Sogo. I can't see how I want to be, or how I want to do. Just I read books to liquidize my mind. Because of those a lot of reading, I try to write articles like this as I want. Today, I read "Karioujyouden Shibun" so I wrote this. I can never write this every day, so I try to do it with an easy mind.






2022/01/15 English

BGM: Soul II Soul "Back To Life"

Yesterday I wrote as "I might catch a cold". After that, nothing happens seriously. But after today's work, nothing seemed to be done as of today's routine. No energy in myself... so I didn't watch any movie and just lie on the bed reading Susumu Sogo's "Can't Live Without Movies 1999-2002". I googled and found that he seems to be not quite a popular writer. But I still feel that he is an awesome person who embraces me. I could be a cool person like him when I would be the 50s... He is a kind of "role model" for me.

I heard a piece of terrible news. A teenage guy who attacked other people because he couldn't study well to join any good university. I don't know the details of that case so I have to say my opinion with my imagination only. I know the narrow point of view as teenagers often have. They live the period of simulating their life after graduating from universities with their heads only. Before they live actually in society... In short, they are too serious and nervous. Life after graduating from university is longer than the period of education. Don't worry.

Even I think I should hurry. My 20s or 30s would be different from this... I even think that I could live a better life if I could get a fine job, and be given a bright future. But I remember the TV program "Shout! Bronde teacher" which had Dorian Sukekawa as a host. He once talked about Tom Waits and told us that Tom had a career that he couldn't say getting success even he got the middle of his 30s. He lived full of trouble. There can be "No hurrying life". I had learned it from that program.

I even graduated from Waseda, but it never made my life happier. What university you have gone through is not important. But every time you are where and do what, or what do you want to do is important. Now I write journals or novels like this and talk about the jobs and the private problems with my friends. I never can do hobbies that need money but it's OK. I will enjoy reading books in libraries. Or I will enjoy music and movies with the subscription. Now I don't want to be an ideologue on Twitter. This is me.