犬は吠えるがキャラバンは進む

The Dogs Bark, But The Caravan Moves On.

2022/06/28 English

Today I watched the world inside me once again. Once I thought that I had many dirty or strange essences in me. A desire for women or material success. But now I can see that it was made by others as a certain bully. They made me think of myself like that. Now people say I'm pure. I can't see which is true. In myself, I can exactly find a desire for women or success. But I won't show it intentionally because I don't want to be hated by my friends. I might become an adult.

I read Yoshimichi Nakajima's "On solitude" and "The textbook of philosophy" again. Yoshimichi Nakajima recommends that look back to our childhood if we had a terrible childhood. Reflecting terrible memories can work creatively. Or the hardship of childhood can have some clue to living a better life. I can remember that I had been blamed by "Pervert!" or "I can't understand what you are thinking". Yes, it was hell. I still can't see and treat women fairly because once I had been hated by women like that. My classmates blamed me as a dirty person like a poisonous worm.

Today I opened a room on Clubhouse. This time I used Japanese mainly. I talked about Kobo Abe's "Woman in the dunes", Maurice Blanchot, and Haruki Murakami with another member. What can we read from Haruki's and Kafka's novels? For me, Haruki's novels are the same as Kazushi Hosaka's and Raymond Carver's. They express the 'something holy in our daily life'. But other people might read extraordinary essences or adventures in Haruki's novels. It's Haruki's greatness that we can read his novels in various ways. I also talked about Yoshimichi Nakajima, but mainly we talked about literature.

At night I went to the English conversation class. I talked with many people. Today we learned that America has four parts (East coast, West coast, etc). And the teachers taught me each part's people's character (for example, political policy). We also talked about several regions in Japan. How do people have their character and policy? Various opinions appeared as "In the Kanto area, udon soup is black and salty" and "In Shiso city, people like slow life and peaceful atmosphere". The topic went to how is the English language spoken all over the world. I couldn't follow the topic well because I had not learned world history seriously. Yes, today was also a great day.

2022/06/28

今日、自分自身の内側を今一度見つめてみた。その昔、私は自分の中にあるものがとても穢れた、あるいは奇妙な要素のように思われた。肉欲、あるいは物欲。でも今は、そんな風に自分を捉えること自体がいじめなどで他人からそう仕向けられたことがわかる。今は人は私のことをピュアだと言う。どちらが本当かはわからない。私の内側には確かに肉欲や邪欲がある。ただ、それをむき出しにしても大事な人を遠ざけてしまうだけなのでことさらに語りたいとは思わないだけだ。その分、私は大人になったということなのだろうと思う。

中島義道『孤独について』や『哲学の教科書』を再び読み返している。中島義道は、子どもの頃不幸だったならその不幸な思い出を検証するように薦める。その頃に感じた生きづらさの中に、これから生きていく上で役立つヒントがあるはずだ、と。上述した、私自身が「エッチだ」「何を考えているかわからない」と責められたことを思い出した。地獄のような時期だった。異性に対して今でも歪んだ見方をしてしまうのは、この頃に異性とうまく付き合えずにいたせいだと思う。自分自身が下賤な存在であるとさんざん糾弾されたからだ、と。

今日、clubhouseでルームを開いた。今日は日本語で話した。参加した方と安部公房砂の女』やモーリス・ブランショ村上春樹について話をする。村上春樹カフカの小説から何を読み取るか。私はハルキの小説は保坂和志レイモンド・カーヴァーが描くような「ささやかな日常に眠る聖性」を描いたものだと捉えているのだけれど、人はもっと村上春樹から異世界や非日常の要素を読み取るかもしれない。そうして多様な読み方ができるのがハルキのすごいところだろう、と思った。中島義道についても少し話したが、概ね文学の話に終始してしまった。

夜、英会話教室に行く。そこでいろいろな方と話をする。今日はアメリカという国が4つの地域に分かれていること、そうしてそれらの地域の人々の気質や風土について聞かせてもらう。そこから自然と日本国内の様々な地域について人々の性格や気質について話が及ぶ。「関東はうどんのつゆの色が黒い」「宍粟市スローライフが好まれる平和な町だ」といった話が飛び出した。世界で英語がどれだけ話されているかについても話は及び、私が世界史をきちんと履修していなかったツケを感じた。今日もなかなか面白い1日だった。

From Mezzanine 2022/06/28

Today I went to the English conversation class again. I have written my diary in English and Japanese for over a year, even if I have never decided to do something great. I just wanted to do the action like this. So the people who like me accept this as evidence that I like English. Also, I feel thrilled when I talk with ALTs and learn about America and other countries, or global facts. Today I learned the difference between America and Japan, and I enjoyed it. I feel thankful for this.

I remember the movie "Arrival" by Denis Villeneuve. In this movie, a female linguist appears. She tries to understand the language of aliens. She learns it from aliens directly. It leads her to learn the concepts and also their way of thinking by them. By learning it, she has been changed, and her points of view and values also have been changed... an interesting movie. For me, I exactly feel that my points of view have been changing by learning English. By using English I can feel that I can think about things cleverer and remake my opinions better. Or I can say this. I have got another way of thinking by learning English.

This might be the attitude of speaking that "Our language must be English only" and throwing the beauty of Japanese away or also omitting the goodness of thinking things Japanese. I never think that thinking Japanese works as low performance. But I can say this. Since starting writing in English, my Japanese has changed and my ways of thinking also have done so. All I want to say is how important for us of using another language and changing ourselves drastically. We can think it is more important or more thrilling than we imagine.

Then, how that kind of changing myself would be? I have learned through various thoughts that I am not any static thing but the one which can change its shape like water. But in this case, the change doesn't arrive instantly. All I do is just inputting English into my mind or my head and train my black box/unconsciousness. How it would appear as a certain change? What would I find if I keep on learning English? I learn English and try to find how to use two selves in myself while waiting for the day I can be a true bilingual who has the sensitivity to various cultures.

中二階日記(2022/06/28)

某月某日

今日は英会話教室に行った。特にこれといって何かの決意を固めたわけもなく、ただやってみたかったからという理由で英語と日本語で日記を書き続けて1年が経とうとしている。そんななので、私のことを知る人は英語が好きなのだと私のことを受け容れて下さっている。私も実際に英会話教室でネイティブ・スピーカーの先生たちと話し、先生たちが教えるアメリカという国や引いては世界全般の状況について学ぶのを刺激的に感じる。今日もアメリカのお国柄と日本の違いについて学び、楽しいひと時を過ごした。こうした機会をありがたいと思う。

ドゥニ・ヴィルヌーヴ『メッセージ』という映画を思い出す。この映画で、地球外生命体が発する言葉を解読しようとする言語学者が登場する。彼女は地球外生命体の言葉を学ぶ。それはそして彼らの(?)物事の考え方を学び概念を学ぶことに繋がる。そうして学ぶ過程で彼女に変化が訪れ、彼女の時間の感覚及び死生観が変容する……という面白い映画だ。私自身、英語を学び使う過程で自分自身の物事の考え方が変容するのを感じる。英語を使うことでそれまでとは違った角度で物事を捉え、考え方を改良することができるというメリットを感じている。

これはややもすれば「だから英語は世界の公用語であるべきだ」と語る姿勢に繋がり日本語の美しさを台無しにし、日本語で物事を考えることの効率性をも有耶無耶にしてしまう姿勢に繋がりかねない。私は日本語は巷間で言われているほど非論理的な言葉だとも思わない。だが、英語を学び使うようになってから私の日本語が良くも悪くも変わり、私の考え方が(自覚されない部分ももちろん含めて)変わったことは確かである。そうして、言葉を学ぶ過程で自分自身が変わるという現象をもっと私たちは重大な事柄、貴重な事柄と思ってもいいのではないかということを言いたいのだ。

では、そうして変わる自分自身とは一体どのようになりうるだろう。自分自身とは決してスタティック/凝固した物体ではなくむしろ如何ようにも変化しうる可塑性を備えている、というのが私が思想から学んだことである。だが、その変化は言うまでもなく一朝一夕で起こるものではない。ただひたすら自分の脳に英語や日本語を刻み込み、自分の中のブラックボックス/無意識を鍛える。それがどういう変化や進化となって現れるか。私は英語を学んだ果てに一体何を見出すのか。単なる言葉の使い分けのみならず、自分の中に多様な文化への感受性を養ったという意味でバイリンガルとなる日が来るのを待ちつつ、私は英語を学ぶ。

2022/06/27 English

Today, reading Yoshimichi Nakajima's "Nietzsche", I thought about this. "Why do I want to do philosophy?". Why do I ask various philosophical questions to me? To live 'a better life'? Then, what is the meaning of live 'a better life'? Once I believed that becoming 'rich' or 'big' meant 'a better life', and now I think it's wrong... No, this is not correct. It doesn't 'suit me'. Other people might have some different opinions. Then, where is that kind of difference born?

Following the discussions in the "Nietzsche", I think about my life. I can't see what will happen in the next moment. I might die in the next moment... I live that kind of unknown moment in the future. In other words, I have to live 'now' with my full energy. I guess that what Nietzsche and Nakajima want to say is how important that kind of energy in me is. Indeed, it must be strange to live a life with thinking about when I would die. But I like Wittgenstein's philosophy and it tells me how important to doubt our common sense (Wittgenstein doubts the fact that the sun would rise from the East tomorrow!).

By the way, why do I think like philosophically? Living with thinking about nothing, and letting myself into the huge flow of my life might be the evidence of the person's smartness. But I can't stop thinking. I can't stop flooding my thoughts from my mind. Then, I face them and think as deeply as possible. For example, I am a controllable being by me? Or I am just an automaton that responds to other people's actions therefore I am not controllable? That is the way of my life that I have built by learning from Nakajima, Nietzsche, and Wittgenstein. I would keep on thinking until I will die. Even if I would live a miserable life because of it.

Or, the fact that I had been bullied or called mad might lead me to the state Nakajima calls 'a philosophical illness'. However I try to live following common sense, I would do strange actions. Therefore people call me that I am stupid or an idiot. But I am this myself so I have built strong logic within me. Now I read Nietzsche's "The Gay Science" and Hitoshi Nagai's "What is ethics". Both are different books but they would lead me to the truth. The truth... but all I can ask for is just a truth for me? Can there still be the ethical 'universal truth' in such a confused and divided world by various points of view? Now, the truth like 'we shouldn't kill others' could be doubted by us...

2022/06/27

今日、中島義道ニーチェ』を読みながらふと「どうして自分は哲学をしたいと思うのだろうか」と考えた。なぜ自分自身に問いかけるのか。「よく生きる」ため? ならば「よく生きる」とはどういうことだろうか、と。かつては私も「偉くなる」や「金持ちになる」ことが「よい人生」だと思っていたのだけれど、今はそれは間違いだと思っている。いや、これは正確な言い方ではない。「私にとっては」それはしっくりこない生き方である。他の人にとってはまた違ってくるのだろう。なら、どこからそうした相違は生まれうるのだろう。

ニーチェ』に倣って私の人生について考える。何が起こるかわからない人生。次の瞬間、自分は死ぬかもしれない……そんな未知の瞬間を生きること。言い換えれば「今」を全身全霊を以て生きること。ニーチェ中島義道が言いたいのはそんな、身体から湧き出てくるエナジーの大事さなのだろうと思う。「いつ死ぬかわからない」と思いながら生きるのは人からすれば異常かもしれない。でも、ウィトゲンシュタインのように「明日も太陽が東から昇る」ことすら疑う哲学と付き合っていると、そうした「当然」を疑う意味や重要性を学ばされる。

それにしても、どうして私はこんな風に哲学的なことを考えるのだろう。考えないで生きること、流行り言葉を使えば「鈍感力」を駆使して生きることは大事なことだ。だが、私は考えずにはいられない。私の内側から湧き出てくる思考を止めることはできない。ならば、とことん考えようと思う。例えば、自分自身は自分にとってコントロール可能な存在なのか、あるいは自分自身は他人の考えに反応して動くコントロール不能な自動人形なのか。それが私が中島義道ウィトゲンシュタインから学んだ生き方だ。生きている限り私は考え続ける。たとえその結果不幸になろうとも。

あるいは、私がずっといじめられたり変な人だと言われたりしてきたことがこうした、中島義道言うところの「哲学病」に自分を導くのかもしれない。どうあがいても人と異なることをしてしまい、変だとかバカだとか罵られて嗤われる。それでも私は自分自身でしかありえないので、この自分を守るためにずいぶん理論武装して鍛え上げてきた。今、私はニーチェ『悦ばしき知識』を読み永井均『倫理とは何か』を読む。どちらも難解な本だが、私を真理へと導いてくれるとも思う。真理……私が追いかけられるのはしかし、「私だけの」真理ではないだろうか。普遍的な真理が今もなお、ここまで分断された社会にありうるものだろうか? 「他人を殺めてはいけない」という真理すらも、今は揺さぶられている時代ではないだろうか。

From mezzanine: 2022/06/27

I'm reading Yoshimichi Nakajima's "Nietzsche: Living in nihilism". Yoshimichi Nakajima blames the Japanese atmosphere that people read Nietzsche's philosophy as a clean or poisonless one. People try to read him as something safe and easy... I have to admit that I am also the person who read Nietzsche as a soft and positive thing. Of course, it shows my laziness which leads me to understand him quickly so I have to be ashamed. In this reading, I noticed that Nakajima asks us the question 'how to live a better life?' by quoting Nietzsche. What is the meaning of 'living a better life'? It seems an easy question but I can't get any good or exact answer if I try to think about this one in my head only.

Someday we will die. This is our fate. Nakajima looks at this fact. I have to follow him and look at this. Then, I might reach the answer like this. It would be a waste of time if we had to look at that fate and accept our death. Once I thought so. We can't run away from this fate... Once I had thought that I would die one day so everything must be s**t. Or the fact that I was here must be a 'mistake'. I believed so and wished the death at 40. So I drank a lot of alcohol.

Now I have stopped drinking alcohol for over seven years. Of course, I have never been free from the fact that I must die. But I believe that my current life must be better than the one when I drank a lot. Of course, I won't say I must be always perfect! I say various strange things and make a lot of mistakes. But, following Nakajima, I am exactly finding a certain meaning in 'building' or 'remaking' my life. That's my opinion. Indeed, how better I make myself, I will die. My mind and body will disappear (maybe).

But (I believe that) I'm feeling a strong pleasure or ecstasy because I can provide some happiness to others and help this world. This fullness can't be explained by any logic. It is very physical as the pleasure of doing sports or eating good meals. It must be felt by 'this body itself'. Yes, this pleasure is only mine and I can't deliver this to you (even if I try to express it in my language). I think it is not understandable by thinking of the fact that psycho killers must have another sense of pleasure. But I choose the rude behavior. I throw 'my' philosophy to you like this. Just like Nietzsche and Nakajima tries to do so.