Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/01/17 English

Yesterday I enjoyed the meeting about autism. Maybe because of that, today I felt blue in the morning. I felt sick but I went to AEON because I could do nothing if I didn't eat something. At AEON, I wrote what I was feeling on my memo pad. In short, I did my routine. It's my private memo pad so I wrote a lot of selfish things. I got surprised by the words which come from me. I thought I would be alright if words still come from me. There is the source in me which contains the energy... it's instinct or curiosity?

I'm thinking about a student who attacked other people at Tokyo university. All I know is just the information news programs or the internet says, but I felt sad that he wanted to become a doctor and couldn't study well. Of course, if his effort makes his dream come true, that is awesome. But those kinds of uncontrollable facts make our lives profound I guess. I don't know how he was educated and what point of view he had, but I think it's foolish that he did that kind of injury because of those uncontrollable things. Although it sounds cruel...

I know the hardship of studying for joining university. It might be said that I was a successful person because I could join a good university. But joining a good university was not good for me. I don't think it made me happy. Good university and good company... are "decided" happiness I think. Of course, if you can believe that "decided" happiness can be your happiness, you should follow it. But if it isn't, you should chase your original happiness. I think my happiness is reading books and chasing my truth. I am doing so therefore I feel happiness.

I started attending the meetings about autism, and made a lot of "mates". With them, I have seen a lot of the scenery that people show their good characters and charms. They are quite unique people. I shouldn't hesitate to show myself. The things that flood me have the worth to be shown in this world... Life might be the process we chase our original and true happiness. We can decide what could be our happiness by ourselves. Ah, writing and sharing something as this let me live... I feel that.

2022/01/17

昨日は発達障害を考えるミーティングを楽しんだ。その反動が来たのか、今日は朝起きると憂鬱だった。苦しかったのだけれど、ともかくもご飯を食べないことにはなにもできないのでイオンに行き、メモパッドに思っていることを英語で書きつけた。いつもの作業だ。自分の中から湧き出てくる言葉に驚いた。自分が見るメモパッドなのでなりふり構わず書き続けて、こうして言葉が出てくる間、自分の中からなにかエネルギーが湧いて来る間は自分は生きていける、と思った。本能なのか好奇心なのか、その源泉の正体はわからないのだけれど。

東京大学で刺傷事件を起こした学生のことが気になっている。もちろん、私はニュースで流れる情報しか知らないのだけれど、私は彼が医師になりたくて、それでも勉強がうまく行かずに苦しんでいたということを知り悲しくなった。もちろん、医師になりたくて努力してそれが報われたらこんなにいいことはないだろう。だが、思い通りにいかないから人生は面白いとも言えるのだ。彼がどんな風に教育を受け、どのように価値観を育んでいたか知らないが、自分の思い通りにいかないことで他人を刺傷沙汰に巻き込むことはやはり愚かしいと思う。残酷な言い方になるが。

私自身、受験勉強の苦しみを知っている。私は人から見れば受験勉強においては成功した立場なのかもしれない。でも、大学に行ったけれどそれが自分の幸せを保証してくれるとは思えなかった。いい大学を出ていい人生を歩む、というのは他人の決めた幸せだと思う。むろん、他人が定めた幸せと自分が追い求める幸せが合致するならいい大学を目指せばいい。だが、そうでないとするなら自分の幸せを追い求めるべきだろう。私は、自分の幸せは本を読み、あれこれ考えて書くことだと思っている。故に今、幸せを感じられている。

発達障害を考えるミーティングに参加するようになり、仲間ができた。仲間との交流で、いろんな立場に立つ人がそれぞれ自分らしさを発揮して、魅力的に頑張っている姿を見させてもらった。私も自分らしさを発揮することをためらう必要などないのだな、と思った。自分の内側からあふれ出るものをそのまま世に放つ……人生とはとどのつまり、そうして自分らしさや自分が自分の意志で決める幸せを追求する過程なのではないか、と思った。ああ、こうして書き続け、シェアすることが私を生かしている。それを思い知る。

2022/01/16 English

I've read Yoshikichi Furui's "Karioujyouden Shibun" completely. But my reading was not done with a quiet attitude. I just read the book which was half done because of getting bored. So I can't proud of it. After that, I read Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet". For me, reading something means killing boredom like this... I feel embarrassed. Just trying to cure my hardship because of this sober life. Or maybe does living itself mean killing boredom? This kind of extreme thinking leads to bad results...

I've read "Karioujyouden Shibun" eight times. I find new things by reading the book every time. I can't memorize that so I will keep on doing such a bad-cost reading. I want to write like him but I can't. I don't have any knowledge or talent. In addition, I can only write my Japanese. I should keep my adore as itself quietly, and walk my way only. Like that, I tried to read Koutarou Sawaki or Susumu Sogo and spent the night.

Today was the day of the meeting about autism. Every member brought their topics as problems or worries and talked about them. I brought there my problems with work. Various opinions came from them. I felt thankful because they gave me their wisdom. I have worked at my company for over 20 years so I don't know other companies. So the member who has their experience at other ones gave me precious advice. I want to use them. How should I do? Of course, it can't be changed in only one day.

Cleaning the room or using money were also the topics. Various opinions appeared. I found that these opinions were trying to open the problems which were hidden but exactly existed (we say it as "an elephant in a room"). So, writing about how we use money is the way to solve that problem. And using labels that say what is contained in various cases is also the way. Both are the way to try to "visualize". These ideas were said. I can't control my room or my money so this advice was hurt. I want to use that advice without stress.

2022/01/16

古井由吉『仮往生伝試文』を読み終える。といっても、腰を据えて読んだわけではなく途中まで読んで投げ出していたものを再び読んだだけなので、威張れた読書ではない。その後フェルナンド・ペソア『不安の書』を少し読む。自分にとって読書とは所詮こういうヒマつぶしなのだなあ、と呆れてしまう。シラフで生きるつらさを紛らわせるために読んでいる、という。そう考えてみると生きていること自体がヒマつぶしでもあるように思えてくる。こうして思考が極端になってくるとたいていロクなことがないのだけれど。

古井由吉『仮往生伝試文』を読んだのはこれが8回目である。読むたびに新しい発見がある。暗記することなど私には無理なので、こんなドン臭いというか要領の悪い読書をこれからも続けるのだろうな、と思う。自分もこのような日本語を書きたい、と思うがこれも到底無理だろう。教養も才能も欠けている。それに、私は私の日本語しか書けない。だからこれに関しても憧れは憧れで留めておいて、自分の道を追求したほうがよさそうだ。そんな感じで、沢木耕太郎十河進の本をあれこれ齧って夜をやりすごしてしまった。

今日は発達障害を考えるミーティングの日だった。皆でいろいろな悩み事や問題を持ち寄って俎上に載せる。私が持参したのは職場での問題だった。いろいろな意見が出て、私としては皆が私のために知恵を絞ってくださったのがとてもありがたかった。私は今の企業で20年以上働いていて、よその企業のことを知らない。だから他の企業での就業経験がある人が様々なアドバイスをしてくださったことを嬉しく思った。それを活かせればいいのだけれど、さてどうしよう……悩むところだ。まあ、一朝一夕では変えられないことだ。

部屋の整理や金銭管理についてもいろいろな意見が出た。これらに共通していることは、隠れているけれど確実に存在する悩み事(英語で言うところの「部屋の中の象」だ)を明らかにさせること。そこから、金銭の使い方では一日にどれだけお金を使えるか書き出すこと、部屋の片付けでは種類別にケースを使って整理することなど「見える化」を施すこと。そういったアイデアが出た。私も金銭管理も部屋の整理もまったくできていないので、耳に痛いところがあった。明日からやれるところからストレスなくやっていけたらなと思う。

With An Easy Mind

I have been writing my journal on Facebook for over half a year. I rarely read my past journal, but I found the fact that my mind must be so scattered if I read my past days randomly. That makes me sick... I sometimes get into the books of the science of the human mind, or sometimes into Yoshikichi Furui's books... This says I can never become any professor who needs to increase special knowledge step by step strictly. Autism is quite a mystery because it might be known as the strictness of something or seriousness. Or workaholics might be one of its characters. But this kind of scattered mind can be the one.

Today I read Yoshikichi Furui's "Karioujyouden Shibun". I read this book not seriously with patience. I once got bored of this book and threw it away, but today I picked the book and tried to read it and found it was readable, so I read it through the end. What a scattered mind. From the site "bookmeter", I learned that I have read this book eight times. But my reading is such a rough style so I can't be proud of it. After reading it, I wanted to read Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet" and I started to do so. But God only knows by when I can keep on doing that.

What is reading? I think this. This rough reading says that I can't say that my reading is for the knowledge I want to learn or the mind of getting myself educated well. Anyway, those kinds of serious reasons are not for that. I have stopped drinking alcohol when I was 40, so living sober is hard for me. Curing that hardship, I try to read books. I open any book's random page and read the letters. If it goes well, my mind goes into them and I can forget time. I can get into that book. That kind of "liquidation" of my mind. That is the stage I always want, so I read books. What a terrible reading! I should be ashamed.

Nowadays I read books like that. I am not interested in best sellers or newly published ones. Just the ones by Yoshikichi Furui, Fernando Pessoa, and Susumu Sogo. I can't see how I want to be, or how I want to do. Just I read books to liquidize my mind. Because of those a lot of reading, I try to write articles like this as I want. Today, I read "Karioujyouden Shibun" so I wrote this. I can never write this every day, so I try to do it with an easy mind.

心を溶かす

Facebookで書き始めた日記が、そろそろ半年になろうとしている。過去のものを読み返すことなどめったにないのだけれど、それでもランダムに読んでみると自分の関心のとっちらかり具合に呆れてしまう。脳科学の本を読み漁ったり、古井由吉『仮往生伝試文』を読んだり……これではしつこく専門的な知をコツコツ積み上げていく学者には到底なれっこないなと思う。発達障害とは不思議なもので、一方ではこだわりの強さやしつこさ、妙な生真面目さや勤勉さが特色として挙げられうる。だが、同時にこうした飽きっぽさも特色であるようなのだ。

今日は古井由吉の『仮往生伝試文』を読み返した。この本の読書も、丹念に腰を据えて読んだというより飽きて投げ出していたものを途中でふと手に取り、ページを繰ったら読めたのですんなり読んだという極めて雑な読書によるものである。ぼくはこの本を8周していることになるが(読書メーターで確かめた)、そんな雑な読み方をしているので到底威張れたものではない。『仮往生伝試文』の読書が終わるとフェルナンド・ペソアの『不安の書』を読み返したくなり、パラパラ読んでいるのだけれどこれだっていつまで続くかわからない。

読書とはなんだろう、と考える。こんな飽きっぽい読書をしているのだから、学識のためとか向上心故のことだとかそういう真面目な目的からではないのは確かだ。40歳で酒を止めたぼくにとって、シラフで生きるのはある種つらいところがある。そのつらさを紛らわせるために適当な本のページを開き、活字を拾う。すると、うまくいくと心がその活字に吸い込まれて時間を忘れてのめりこむことができる。そんな、心が溶けていくような体験を求めて本を読んでいるのだろうと思う。ひどい読書もあったものだ、と我ながら思う。

最近はそんなふうに、新刊に手を伸ばすこともなく昔読みふけった古井由吉フェルナンド・ペソア、そして十河進を読み返している。自分でも読んでいてどうなりたいのかわからない。どう役に立つのかわからない。ただ心を溶かすための読書を楽しんでいるだけだ。そうやってたくさん読んだことがきっかけで、自分でも書いてみたいと思いこんなとりとめのない文章を書いてみたりする。今日、久々に『仮往生伝試文』を読んで自分でもなにか書いてみたくなって、こんな文章を書いてみた。毎日書くのはもちろん無理なので、ボチボチ続けていきたい。

2022/01/15 English

BGM: Soul II Soul "Back To Life"

Yesterday I wrote as "I might catch a cold". After that, nothing happens seriously. But after today's work, nothing seemed to be done as of today's routine. No energy in myself... so I didn't watch any movie and just lie on the bed reading Susumu Sogo's "Can't Live Without Movies 1999-2002". I googled and found that he seems to be not quite a popular writer. But I still feel that he is an awesome person who embraces me. I could be a cool person like him when I would be the 50s... He is a kind of "role model" for me.

I heard a piece of terrible news. A teenage guy who attacked other people because he couldn't study well to join any good university. I don't know the details of that case so I have to say my opinion with my imagination only. I know the narrow point of view as teenagers often have. They live the period of simulating their life after graduating from universities with their heads only. Before they live actually in society... In short, they are too serious and nervous. Life after graduating from university is longer than the period of education. Don't worry.

Even I think I should hurry. My 20s or 30s would be different from this... I even think that I could live a better life if I could get a fine job, and be given a bright future. But I remember the TV program "Shout! Bronde teacher" which had Dorian Sukekawa as a host. He once talked about Tom Waits and told us that Tom had a career that he couldn't say getting success even he got the middle of his 30s. He lived full of trouble. There can be "No hurrying life". I had learned it from that program.

I even graduated from Waseda, but it never made my life happier. What university you have gone through is not important. But every time you are where and do what, or what do you want to do is important. Now I write journals or novels like this and talk about the jobs and the private problems with my friends. I never can do hobbies that need money but it's OK. I will enjoy reading books in libraries. Or I will enjoy music and movies with the subscription. Now I don't want to be an ideologue on Twitter. This is me.