Back To Life

Back To Reality

Hong Sang-soo "On the Beach at Night Alone"

I've watched Hong Sang-soo's movie "On the Beach at Night Alone". We Japanese use the word "menhera". This word describes someone who has a mental illness. I don't want to use this word because it sometimes sounds harmful (although, this word is used by the people who exactly have sickened). Watching this movie, I remembered the word "menhera".

This movie is looked at as a "selfish" or "closed" movie by me. The story is not easy to be understood. But this doesn't mean this movie is abstract. Just not so tender to tell the details or the events that had happened behind the story. However, in other words, that impression means "honest". At least, this movie is not a product that was made by their heads only. It is so vivid and powerful.

I've watched this with Japanese subtitles so I might be wrong, but they talk about the license of love. The license to love someone else... But this sounds strange. We don't need such a license to love someone else. Our love "is going on". We don't need to be aware of that fact. Or if we are aware of that fact, our love already had started.

Then, why do they speak about the license? Because, I think, for them, love is a very precious concept. If they didn't have it, they lost their license to live... That kind of "extreme" concept can be evidence that they are thinking about their life seriously. In other words, their seriousness makes them sick. So I write that this movie is full of "menhera" people.

But that difficulty of living has been described with charming actresses' acts. I remind of some "tricksters" by this movie. I am Japanese so I remember Osamu Dazai, a famous and great Japanese writer. Yes, Hong Sang-soo might be the same type...








2021/09/27 English

Today I talked a little on clubhouse as usual. I felt anxiety so confessed to a person then he said "Alright, you can do!", and I cried a little again. My heart has been tired. I thought I had a rest deeply yesterday but I have to endure this problem unless I get rid of this cause of the stress of relationship at my office. I feel nervous... I feel moved by the things the person said to me... Tomorrow, Tuesday is a day off for me so I want to talk to him deeply if possible. I should keep on my work? I want to talk about this...

What have I learned from my work? I thought about that. I have not thought I would keep on this job but it takes about 20 years since I started my job. I have to do the things I should do without thinking about my emotion, especially anxiety. I have to move my body, then my mood follows my body. There is unknown power in me. The experiences exist in my body exactly. Just I should trust it. I have learned these kinds of things as truth from my work. I want to talk about this with a person from Kyrgyzstan.

Now it seems I am depressed. So I can't see what I should write in this journal. Ah... someday I would be big, I would quit this job... But I couldn't so I had committed suicide at last. I had drunk a lot of alcohol... I must be happier than these days. Now there are people who stand by me. I meet them at the meetings, or I meet them on clubhouse. They see my real figure. I am just useless at my office but they treat me as an important man. It's pleasant.

On clubhouse, or WhatsApp. I have made a lot of friends. I can't show miserable myself to them if I want to treat them preciously. I am embarrassed because today I wrote a lot of silly things on LINE without losing calm. What can I do now? What should I do? I want to go back to the basics. All I have to do are writing this journal, watching movies, reading books, and learning English. If I forgot these basic things, I could do nothing. Now, if I am depressed, it's OK. I should do my routine duty.



仕事から学んだことはなにがあるだろう? というようなことを考えた。続けるつもりなんてなかったのだけれど、それでも私はこの仕事を続けて20年以上経つ。だから仕事から学んだことはある。自分の感情、とりわけ不安に支配されずにやるべきことをやる。身体を動かす。そうすると気持ちがついてくる。自分の中に見知らぬ力が備わっている。経験が身体の隅々にまで刻み込まれている。それを信頼すること。私はそんなことを仕事から学んだ。またキルギスから来られた方とclubhouseでそんな話をしたいと思った。



2021/09/26 English

Today was a day off, but I wanted to do nothing so I did voice chat in English on clubhouse and Discord. I think I can have such a day because now is the time I should take a rest. And when I got bored, I read Syouhei Ohoka's "Seijyo Press". I feel that I just killed the morning time and that's all. It's OK?... I should do something I want to do. But maybe I got used to the attitude of "waiting for something good". Everything comes to him who waits...

In the morning I've watched Theodore Melfi's movie "The Starling". I like his movies. I always learn from the spirit of "never give up" from them. However, "The Starling" is a kind of "bitter" movie for me, or I should say that it is not easy to understand. Following the force of nature and saying yes to fate. It reminds me of Nietzsche's way of thinking. I wait for the time he will make a new movie which is the product he has learned from making this movie. And I hope the next can be more "entertainment". It must be interesting.

I have spent the time by doing chat with a person from Kyrgyzstan and another man from China (or Hong Kong?) on clubhouse. I have no topics (and it might be too much if I say about autism again), so I did a kind of "nonsense" meeting. We spent the time discussing Samuel Beckett's quote I had brought. Beckett is one of the writers I have wanted to read. His work is difficult to read but I have better read "Waiting for Godot" at first.

I read "Seijyo Press" well today. The 1980s. A period of Cold War and we also experienced dynamic economical growth. As the journal of the writer who had lived honestly, I accept it and think I have to follow his attitude. I feel that this journal eases my mind. I wrote this before but I want to live like him, keeping on burning curiosity. I want to learn English more and do output on clubhouse and Discord. I have to make topics... What kind of books do foreign people read and what movie do they watch? I can't be like someone else so I can only talk about the things I watch, read, and listen to.






Theodore Melfi "The Starling"

I've watched Theodore Melfi's movie "The Starling". I like Theodore Melfi's movies because they are stylish and remain something in my mind. It might be because this director makes movies as "being alive and kicking". Every character is alive and they discuss their opinions directly as raw things. This Netflix movie "The Starling" is also the movie I could enjoy even I thought that it might be "bitter". White people and black people, children and Asian people show their characters naturally. I want to praise that.

I wrote, "it might be better". This movie isn't sweet or understandable as "St. Vincent" or "Hidden". If I look for good words, they get "profound" or "cool". But this movie will get "popular"? I am worried about that (I can see the lower rating on this site).

By the way, the Japanese treat "time" as a kind of medicine. If I explain it roughly, I should say "if time passes, things get better" or "time cures our wounds". But this can be a cruel fact because we have to "wait" for "time passing". Everyone needs the medicine that kills the pain we are feeling "now". The medicine which cures "directly". But this movie tells us that sometimes we have to "wait" for killing our pain. I think this movie tells that kind of "giving up".

They should accept the events that they had lost their daughter or she has been attacked by starlings. These events are beyond the good and the bad. It is the force of nature so we have to accept it as the truth. In short, they accept these events as initiations and become adults. But this kind of "beyond the good and the bad" can't be shortened as two hours movie easily. I hope Theodore Melfi would make the next movie that contains this kind of truth again, but it would also a cool entertainment.