跳舞猫日録

Life goes on brah!

2023/01/30 English

BGM: Spiral Life - Another Day, Another Night

I learned an important concept "basic trust" from psychologist Erickson. This means the trust that "I'm the one and only precious person", and this has been built by the relationship with my parents. I was loved by my parents, but also I had been blamed by classmates as a strange kid therefore I couldn't learn this "basic trust" in myself. I thought that I was a weird creature, and it took a long time to learn the pride which says "I am me though everyone blames me terribly". That pride also enables me to accept other people's characters. Indeed, I have still not learned it, but I think I got better.

Today I worked late. This morning, I read Tetsuya Furuta's book "This game has no goal". It contains a really thrilling discussion and also logic is very clear. It grips me well. The author's daughter made a lie, and it starts this book's discussion. The lies which are contained in our communication, and the uncertainty... are the topics of this book. We tend to think from those kinds of experiences that "this person is telling me a lie?" or "this person is hiding his honest opinion?", and we easily become doubtful. But those doubtful attitudes couldn't become productive. We need communication even if it would contain uncertainty, and that is real life.

I thought about myself. As I wrote several times, I was once terribly doubtful for other people, this world. I am an autistic person so I can't read other people's minds, and I also got ashamed because I couldn't read the context during the conversation with other people. I couldn't (or can't) read the lines... "everyone hates me". I believed so and was soaked in the sea of books and music lonely instead of making friends. Now I can see that it was wrong. My parents and some classmates might love me. But according to me, I was hated by everyone and I should go away. Why does that situation provide me the "basic trust"?

I have been raised with the comment "being honest is beautiful". I am trying to be honest even now. But that honesty would work dangerously. When I try to do job hunting, I have to say that "your company is the best one I want to join" (although the person from the company won't believe this seriously). If I was in love, I would say a lie "I swear eternal love". Telling lies mean that I have paradoxical opinions in me. I can't do so. But I won't say that I am "therefore" a saint. Having paradoxical opinions would show the evidence of the power human being can have positively. I can't be so strong, so I have to live like Charlie Brown.

2023/01/30 BGM: Spiral Life - Another Day, Another Night

兼本浩祐『普通という異常』という本からエリクソンという心理学者の概念である「ベーシック・トラスト」について学んだ。これは「自分自身はかけがえのない大事な存在である」という信頼感のことで、親との関係によって育まれていくものらしい。私は親から愛されて育ったのだけれど、子どもの頃周囲からずっと変わり者扱いされていじめられてきたのでこの「ベーシック・トラスト」を育めなかったのだろうと思う。自分自身のことをずっと異常なクリーチャーのように思ってしまい、「誰がどう言おうが私は私なのだ」というプライド、そしてこのプライドから来る他者への寛容さといったものを身につけるまでずいぶん時間がかかった。いや、今でも身につけられているとは言い難いのだけれど、過去よりはベターな人間になったと思っている。

今日は遅番だった。朝、古田徹也『このゲームにはゴールがない』を読む。すこぶる刺激的な議論が展開されており、しかも論旨は明解なのでこちらを引き込みグリップする力があると感じる。著者の娘さんが著者に対して嘘をついた経験を契機に、私たちのコミュニケーションが孕みうる嘘、それゆえに生まれる不透明さが考察される。そこから私たちはややもすると「この人は嘘をついているのではないか」「この人は真意を隠しているのではないか」と懐疑論者になりやすい。だが、そうした懐疑の姿勢が必ずしも生産的には至るわけではないことをも記している。不透明さ、不確定性を孕みつつも私たちはコミュニケーションを求めて他者を渇望する。それが私たちの生きる実相だ、ということになる。

私自身のことを考える。何度も書いているが、私は過去にひどく人間不信に陥ったことがある。発達障害者だから人の心を読めないというのもあったのだと思うのだけれど、定型発達者とのコミュニケーションで相手の言葉の裏を読み、文脈に応じて「空気を読む」ということができずに何度も恥をかいたものだ。「みんながぼくを嫌っている」……そんな思い込みに陥り、誰とも友だちを作れずに孤独に本と音楽の海の中に潜って生きた。今はそれがただの思いこみだったことを理解できる。両親や、クラスメイトにだって私を好んでくれた人はいたはずだ。だが、私の主観から言えば私はみんなの嫌われ者で、私なんていなければいい鼻つまみ者だった。そんな環境で「ベーシック・トラスト」なんて生まれるわけがない。

正直さは美徳だ、と言われて育った。今でも私は務めて正直になろうと思っている。だが、そうした正直さは危険な方向にも働く。就職活動などではどこの会社に行っても(多分面接官も「本気で」信じるわけではない決まり文句であるとしても)「御社が第一志望です」と言わなければならず、恋愛においても「永遠の愛を誓います」と言わなければならず……そこで嘘をつくことは、自分の中に矛盾する見解を持ち続けて持ちこたえることを意味することになり、それがどうしてもできない。これはでも、私が聖人君子だと言いたいわけではない。矛盾する意見を持ち続けて生きることは、ポジティブな意味で人が人として持ちうる強さの証、人間力の要ではないかとも思う。私はそうした強さを持ちえず、したがってチャーリー・ブラウンのように損な星回りを生きるしかないのかもしれない、と。

2023/01/29 English

BGM: Massive Attack - Be Thankful For What You've Got

Today was a day off. This morning I went to the library and borrowed Kunio Suzuki's book. It reminds me of my teenage days... when I was a high school student, I was into ultra-leftism. As I always write, I was bullied heavily to empower my aggressiveness. But I didn't study leftism so much. I just got crazy about Yoshinori Kobayashi's cartoon and pretended to be a patriot. A patriot with left... in short, I was an idiot. I still feel ashamed about that, and it brings us the lesson that "enduring loneliness too much would affect you a lot".

And I went to Waseda (for a really enigmatic reason) and suffered from a serious identity crisis. I saved and built myself with hate for the outside, so my belief was "everyone is my enemy". But entering Waseda I found that everyone from all of Japan (some were even from foreign lands) is just an ordinary person. They treated me naturally so I had to throw the belief "everyone is my enemy" away. Then, I had to face that I had never learned how to see other people. How could I open my mind and show my kindness to others? I couldn't do such an easy action, so I just had to face I could even no greeting to them. I couldn't make friends at all.

It was really dangerous I guess. I would become a "net-uyoku (almost the same meaning as "alt-right")" if the time was different. I could believe something passionately, and it would make me hate everyone. Literally, everyone could be my enemy and just I would live alone... this idea was from the book "My father became "net-uyoku"" I found at the library (of course, I want to read). In a conclusion, I have not become "net uyoku". I just became an adult with incomplete leftism. I would become like a criminal who caused the Akihabara massacre or who killed Shinzo Abe in the street. I strictly believe so. I would do something fatal I guess.

At last, I went back to my home town. I started thinking that I could write a novel. It would attract everyone's interest, so my life could make a kind of grand slam, therefore, I would be a millionaire (oh no, I find that I was really crazy!). But in fact, I couldn't write anything and was soaked in alcohol. It was life with embarrassing events like Osamu Dazai's novels. Now I belong to the "danshu" meeting and also other groups and have many friends so I caught certain happiness. Through the meetings with those friends, I accepted myself totally and could throw away my childish wishes and beliefs like "I am almighty", "I have talent", and "I am a genius (just this world won't accept it)"... I think that I am a lucky person. A really lucky person.

2023/01/29 BGM: Massive Attack - Be Thankful For What You've Got

今日は休みだった。今朝、図書館に行き鈴木邦男愛国者は信用できるか』を借りる。私自身の十代の頃を思い出す……高校生の頃、私は極左の思想にカブれていた。いじめられっ子だったことはいつも書いている通りだが、そんな風に孤独だったことがさらに自分の攻撃性を強めたのだろう。とはいえさして勉強して理論武装に務めたわけでもなく、小林よしのりゴーマニズム宣言』にイカれて右翼とは別の意味で「憂国の志士」を気取っていたにすぎず、つまりは(今に始まったことではないが)ただのアホだったということになる。今思い出しても汗顔の至りというか、ここから教訓として導き出せるのは「人間、孤独をこじらせるとロクなことにならないのだなあ」ということかなと思ってしまう。

その後私は(なぜかわからないが)早稲田に入り、そして深刻なアイデンティティ・クライシスに悩むことになる。というのは私はそれまで周囲に敵意を募らせることによって自我を保っていたところがあったので、「自分以外は敵だ」と思い込んでいたのだった。それが、大学に入ってみると全国から(海外からも)普通に自分と接してくれる人と過ごすことになり、私は「自分以外は敵だ」という思い込みを捨てなければならないことになる。そうなると、人とどう接していいかわからないという悩みを抱えることになる。心を許し、開く。そんな簡単なことさえできない自分がいることに気付かされ、結果として友だちを作ることはおろか普通に挨拶することさえできないことを思い知ったからである。

危なかったな、と思ってしまう。世が世なら私はまさにネット右翼になっていてもおかしくなかった。左翼や右翼問わず常に何かを盲信してその盲信をバネに他人を見下し、結果として周囲を敵に回し孤立して生きる人生を送っていたかもしれない、と思う。これは図書館に行って『ネット右翼になった父』という本を見かけて思ったことだ(もちろん読んでみるつもりだ)。結果論として自分はネット右翼にならず、左翼としても相変わらず出来損ないのまま大人になってしまったのだけれど、そんな自分と秋葉原無差別殺傷事件を起こした犯人やあるいは安倍元総理を暗殺した男との距離は近かったと私は確信している。私自身がもしかしたら取り返しのつかないことをしでかしていたかもしれない、と。

結局私はその後郷里に戻り、自分はいざ小説を書けばそれが周囲に認められて人生一発大逆転のグランドスラムを成し遂げられると確信して(こう書いて、「やはり自分はアホだなあ」と思ってしまう)、でも結局何も書けずに酒に溺れる人生を送ることになる。太宰治に倣って「恥の多い生涯」だったと言うべきか。今は断酒会があり、その他にも多くの場所で仲間を作ることができて幸せを掴めたと思っている。その仲間を通して、私は初めて自分の輪郭を掴めて「自分は無敵だ」「才能がある」「天才だ(世間が認めないだけだ)」という万能感を手放すことができたのだった……そうして大人になれたことは難しい言葉を使えば「重畳」なこと、何よりもラッキーなことだと思うのだった。

2023/01/28 English

BGM: フジファブリック - 桜の季節

"Go home" and "Die soon". TBH I sometimes hear those comments to me. Indeed, it is not real. Just phantom. Now no one says that kind of thing to me. But once I was hated terribly and blamed a lot because of my existence. It has been still left in me. Once I remembered this trauma and was haunted by hate, and even imagined I would revenge them. I would hit them, set fire to their homes... I had a huge rage and was soaked in alcohol. I did nothing wrong then why did I have to see such terrible things? Hate was an intimate friend to me at that period... but now I have never imagined that. Life goes on and seasons change.

This afternoon I ate lunchbox with Kaseki Cider's music, who is a Japanese hip-hop artist. I heard that he is influenced by Motojiro Kajii, a Japanese legendary writer. I was impressed by his great tunes quoting Kajii's sentences and said fluent lyrics. Motojiro Kajii... great. I have Kajii's paperback I once bought cheaply from a used bookstore. I read it once and was deeply impressed. Reading his "Under Sakura trees", I remembered that I had been also impressed by Sakura's blooming because it seemed that Sakura's great vitality. I always think that it must be sublime so I can't stand close to it. Kajii writes that the blooming's beauty is because of the body under those trees. I can see that... this kind of idea might be the reason why I have been bullied.

Recently heavy snow affected my life, therefore, I can't ride my bike. So I go to the workplace on foot. It takes only 10 minutes to go but it makes me tired because of my fat body. Returning to my group home, I slept well. Just I slept, and also read Hitoshi Nagai's "Philosophical Investigations". I am this person and no one else. In short, this person who is writing this diary, watches weird videos, reads Hitoshi Nagai, and listens to Fujifabric. That's me. I have to be surprised at these activities. That confusion is in me... and this myself is also a single person for others. Other people have other personalities, and they are in this world. That makes me impressed. What a rich world it is.

In the 50s, I start thinking "how many Sakura I would be able to watch in this life?"... once I just believed without any sentimental emotion. "This life is over", "I don't care about my future, I would die alone so I decided to enjoy it now"... and I drank a lot. Now I feel a different opinion. "I just quit alcohol today. Just today". I can't see what this life would be like. I just do what I can do, and live every moment preciously to tomorrow. I believe that tomorrow would be a nice day. I enjoy Motojiro Kanjii, and also enjoy amazing music. Fujifabric, Spitz, and Sunny Day Service. Reading Ango also would be nice... my imagination increases.

2023/01/28 BGM: フジファブリック - 桜の季節

「お前なんか失せろ」「死んでしまえ」……実を言うと今でも時折そんな言葉を聞くように思う。もちろんそんな言葉は幻聴に過ぎない。今はそんなことを言う人はどこにもいない。でも、過去にずっと嫌われて、やることなすことボロクソに言われて過ごしてきた経験は染み付いてしまっている。過去にこうしたことを思い出して憎悪に取り憑かれて、あいつらをぶん殴るまで死ねないと復讐まで誓って生きたことを思い出す。腸が煮えくり返る思いを抱えて、酒に溺れて生きたことを。何も悪いことをした覚えはないのに、なぜ自分はこんなつらい目に遭わないといけないのだろうとひたすら憎悪を煮えたぎらせた日々……今はそんなことは考えない。人生は続く。季節はめぐる。

今日の昼休み、弁当を食べながら久々にかせきさいだぁという日本のヒップホップのアーティストのアルバムを聴いた。梶井基次郎に影響された人だそうで、実際に梶井の文章を引用して軽快に言葉を放つその音楽に魅入ってしまった。梶井基次郎か……梶井基次郎は近所の古本屋で安く買った文庫を1冊持っている。過去に通読して感銘を受けたことを思い出す。梶井の「桜の樹の下には」を読み、自分自身春になって桜の花があんなにも満開になっているのを観るとなんだか花の精気が充溢しているのを見る思いがして、容易に近寄り難いものを感じてしまうのを思い出す。そして、確かに死体が埋まっていると想像してしまうのも合点がいくかなと思ってしまったのだった……と書いて、こんなことを考える人間だからいじめに遭ったのかなあ、と思ってしまう。

ここ最近雪の影響でバイクに乗れないので、徒歩で職場に通っている。歩いてたかだか10分なのだけれど、それでも普段ナマッた身体には疲れる。なので今日は帰ってきてからただひたすら惰眠を貪った。起きたら永井均存在と時間 哲学探究I』を読む。私が他の誰でもなくこの「私」、つまりここでこうして日記を書いたりエッチな動画を見たり、永井均を読んだりフジファブリックを聴いたりしている自分であること。そんな雑多な事柄をやってのける自分自身であることに驚くこと……だが、そんな私もまた他の人からすれば1人の人間である。他の人には他の人の人格があり、そうした人々が寄り集まってこの世界が出来上がっている。その事実が端的に私を感動させる。ああ、この世界は実に豊かだ。

50代に差し掛かり、「これから、桜の花をあと何度見られるだろう」と考えるようになり……若い頃はこんな感傷とは無縁に、「もうこんな人生うんざりだ」「老後なんてどうでもいい。どうせ自分はのたれ死にするんだ。今が楽しければそれでいいんだ」と思って酒に溺れたのだった。今はそれとはまた違った角度から、「今日1日、酒を断って大事に生きよう」と思うようになった。これからどんな人生が待っているのかわからない。ただ、その時その時やれるだけのことをやる。そして、その瞬間を大事に生きて明日につなげる。明日はきっといい日だと信じて。たまには梶井基次郎を読んだり、フジファブリックスピッツサニーデイ・サービスを聴いたりして。安吾を読むのもいいな……こうして想像は膨らんでいく。

2023/01/27 English

BGM: Polaris - 季節

I have loved pop music since I was a kid. When I was a high school student, I wanted to share my taste so joined a broadcasting club once. But my taste wasn't accepted by the other members. At that time, the cool musicians were George Michael, Phil Collins, etc. I had never listened to them so our tastes were completely different. And my taste was denied so I quit that club. I decided to pretend to act dead in the corner of a classroom until I left the school. As I wrote this once, I closed my mind because I thought I never needed any friends. I just went into the sea of books like Haruki Murakami, Banana Yoshimoto, Masahiko Shimada, etc. I was just such a great idiot.

Today I worked late. This morning I tried to read a book as usual, but I couldn't so just read Hitoshi Nagai and Kazuhiro Uchida's "Philosophical dialogues for children" randomly. In this book, Nagai writes "You are OK even though no one understands you". When I read this part for the first time as a college student, I was really impressed by this. No one understands me, but so what? I need no friends and I would live as a heresy... I read this part like this and chose to live my life alone. But now, I think that it must be wrong, or at least, it's a sad life. Now I think I need some friends. As an autistic person, I have kept on thinking about how living as an individual would be so I started thinking like that.

Now I read Hitoshi Nagai's writing like this. In short, being understood is important. Committing to others is really important... so I have a different opinion from Nagai. But I shouldn't sell my soul and open myself too much. I shouldn't give the important thing in myself to others... or I have to admit that I can't live such a life. Probably I might understand that I am just a freak, a heresy, a strange person. But that strangeness must be unique. Real friendship is between such a unique person to person. Having a unique individual personality is important, and it would bring me true friendships... once I misunderstood that and made many enemies. It was a hard time. Now I have many friends. What a comical life! I have always been a heresy.

This evening I learned that Kunio Suzuki had passed away. Once I was a fan of Yoshinori Kobayashi's manga. I learned Kunio Suzuki's opinions in that manga. When I was a college student, I read his columns in weekly magazines and was impressed by his personality and tenderness. I wrote my columns about the scenery of Waseda and sent them to Suzuki. Oh my gosh! I was really young. But Suzuki sent me a tender response to me and it impressed me again. I hope he read my bad writings with a smile... I would live my life as a poor leftist, but I want to follow Susuki's brave and soft attitude. I pray for him. RIP.