I had a day off today. This morning, on the daily English meeting on Zoom, I shared with the members the fact that I have quit alcohol for about 9 years. Then, another member said to me "You're strong!". Of course, this honest comment certainly embraced me, but somewhere in my mind, I doubted whether I could be strong. In my opinion, my will must not be so strong - in a way, my will must be so weak that it can have made me drink a lot.
Once, I had been ashamed of this weakness in me, therefore I even blamed myself so much as "Why can't I become a strong person?" From my male sexuality, although maybe you might laugh at this, I strictly believed that "being strong" must be better than my truly messy character. That's one reason I even thought I must have been a loser (or a literal "mistake" my parents had made).
Even now, I must say that I am not such a strong guy - but certainly, after quitting alcohol my mind has been changed. Now, I accept this messy self - because that's me. In other words, from somewhere in my life history I started having an interest in accepting (and even loving) this myself. I started sharing my personal history with other members like these writings. Solitary in schools, autism, alcohol addiction, and so on.
Through sharing my stories with others, an idea has been born in me. Once, I thought I must have been a victim because various terrible hardships have been disturbing my freedom. But, now I accept those hardships to live this weird, funny life as positively as I can - and also, am thinking how to give up the delusion of becoming an ultimate winner in this world because it can cause a certain pressure which must push me away to death.
Thinking this, I enjoyed a great album "Aja" by Steely Dan. In this album, you can enjoy the great song "Deacon Blues", which describes our life from the position of a loser (although I am not a native English speaker, I can understand this as an everlasting one). Even now, somewhere in my mind, I must have a certain desire that certainly pushes me to get various things (in a difficult expression, to participate in this competitive consuming society). But also, I have been already living a slow life.
