How can I properly handle/manage this negative, dark emotion? As I have written in these journals, I can find that there must be a cluster of horrible darkness, which always makes me seriously confused... Thinking about this, I remember Haruki Murakami's great novels such as "Norwegian Wood" and "The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle" because these novels always tell me that this self has consisted of these two aspects. Brilliance and darkness (although Haruki has been influenced by various classics of psychology such as Carl Jung).
Maybe, that was the reason why I had drunk a lot of alcohol... I had wanted to kill the dark self/alternative personality in me literally to become a normal person as they say. A perfect guy who can behave properly anytime. Once, I wished I could be such a clean person who could throw away their dirty desire completely - but, as for me, I just had to struggle with a huge loneliness as hell. Indeed, this just tells us that I was just a young teenage guy. That's all, and it must be a banal story.
Even now, I have been attracted to plump women (sorry) - and once (though you must think I am making a silly lie) I was ashamed of this fact. Should I throw this sexuality (or more simply, this organ itself between my legs) away to become a clean, perfect existence? I am male, but it is a miserable fact? Oh, now I can see that I had been far from the true ideal of equality of human beings, the gradation of gender.
During this serial holiday period (so-called Golden Week), I want to read some trustworthy feminist' works besides Paul Auster. But, I can have been tired therefore today I slept a lot. Now, with Tom Waits's songs, I am writing this journal (Tom Waits, Lou Reed... it seems my world has consisted of very masculine essences).
How can I face my inner child to care for him (I guess he is male) tenderly? All I can say is this. I am here, with you always because I am your dad. Trust me even though I am never perfect... therefore I should learn various things from you. You are my child, but also you are my teacher. That's the meaning of this relationship between us.
