BGM: Motoharu Sano & The Coyote Band - ラジオ・デイズ
I went to the main house of my group home to see the sub-admin again this morning, where we talked about the certain emotion HATE in me for a while. Yes, for about an hour... Although I had been too confused to tell the truth to her, she tried to suggest her idea about it. Yes, I wrote "she tried" because she had never said "I am absolutely correct. You should follow me" like that.
Now I look around me, and find that there must not be anyone who pretends to be an absolutely correct leader who says "Follow me". My staff usually listen to my stories carefully at first. After that, they tend to give me various suggestions, not any ultimate answers like what a kind of "canon" says. That's truly great for me.
A friend of mine asked me about what and why I have been writing about my trauma in these journals. Am I trying to overcome that hardship? Am I trying to "let out" them at first? This question of him has been critical for me, and I have thought about... For me, at first, I need to "let out" those traumatic memories actually to let my stressful emotions free.
But also, I have to think about this... Will I be able to "overcome" that HATE in my mind someday? That misogyny, or a certain micro-discrimination toward any woman has not been able to be corrected or overcome by anything I guess. So, all I can do is just to keep that "distorted" emotion or desire in me, and also keep on facing them as honestly as possible.
This afternoon, I wrote a draft of the presentation I will have tomorrow (16th, May). That's about the teachers I have encountered throughout my life. Yes, there must have been so many teachers in this world, who give the students various interesting answers. I remember... one of the teachers I met was the older one who taught us an interesting movie "Ulysses' Gaze". He said to us "You must watch it." At that period, there was no internet as useful equipment/tool for us to search for that (imagine the period when there had not been any smartphone, any YouTube!) But his passionate, powerful comment made me watch that great movie (indeed, I have forgotten about that marvelous one...)
