Even now - although I have many friends in my private life certainly, sometimes I feel a certain concept of "solitary". Maybe because somewhere in my mind I must have a certain doubt toward this world. But then, it can mean that the reason is because of my doubt, therefore everything is my fault - is it true?
Once, when I had taught my traumatic events to ex-classmates a while ago. Then a guy said "Everybody must have had such a traumatic event", and it made me terribly disappointed. I won't say his comment is bullshit - Yes, he might have taught me his honest, intimate opinion. And I accept his truth partly. The stories I have been writing in these journals can be quite orthodox ones of autistic guys. But, looking at his opinions I say this. How the fuck his serious, bloody honesty of that opinion can work for me?
I accept that I am getting to be so stubborn to keep on trying to think about various issues (literally everything) rigoristic, even though my logical thinking always starts from this honest feeling. I can't see whether I am a natural-born philosopher or a slow learner who started philosophy at 40. Looking at my footsteps - they actually tell me that maybe I can be a solitary one because of this character - an autistic guy.
Once, I tried to deny or give up any hope of having friends in this life because I couldn't believe that any intimate friends could appear in front of me - at that terrible period (especially, my teenage days in a rural town), in my eyes everybody must have had harmful intention for me. Yes, NOW I can think of another possibility about that - as I have written, because of the doubt in me (therefore it can be MY problem) I have had to struggle with that endless inner war.
This is another perspective of mine: There seem at least two kinds of lifehacks. One of them is to try to "digest" or "swallow" these distorted feelings/delusions within me and stay quiet. And another is to try to confess them in public. How? How can I do to find a good solution? I can't see. Each way must have its great character therefore both ways are evenly Okay I guess. Then, I try to listen to my inner child's murmuring.
