BGM: The Jam - In The City
Last Thursday a Discord friend of mine taught me an interesting word. It's "gaijyu naigou" (if I write it literally in English, then it could be "soft to outside, but hard in oneself"). He also suggested his opinion like this. "That's different between 'enduring' and 'being tolerant''". I accept this word as "I should say what I have to say even if it would cause some troubles in our relationship". Probably that affects me exactly now. Today I worked early and attended a meeting of my whole company. At there, I noticed a typo in the power point my big boss had shown to us. Indeed, it was really a little one but typo is bad I thought. After that meeting, I told her about that. Then she said to me "I am going to fix it". I thought I was really glad about that action I had done (I even made a sigh). Readers, you might think this as "I have read this a lot". But I want to say that this is because of my job coach. Because she has been helping me a lot in my company, I can enjoy the environment I can say my opinions/suggestions easily. Now I can even help my company a little. It's really like a dream.
At lunchtime, I told about that event to the job coach on LINE. She soon answered me. "Your character works exactly! I'm glad to hear that". And, of course I'm also pleasant by that comment, but that word "character" also caused an interest from me. Yes, it's profound. "Character"... This is certainly one of my characters. I notice various things people don't notice or overlook. Once, at the time I had blamed myself terribly and thought I wanted to disappear, I would think that this character must be an useless element. At least, I wouldn't think that this noticing/finding skill as a tool which can work actually in my company. This change has been caused by the connection/relationship with that job coach and also the friends from the meeting about autism. That has made me grown up like this... Maybe I could give up and drank a lot when I didn't meet them. And I thought that "'I'm alright" and "Everything is OK".
As you know, I am just a Japanese autistic guy. Autism is a really "funny" or "charming" concept... In English, I heard that the word "handicapped" can be "differently abled". "The people who can do their works in a different way from others". "The people who do things in their ways". In short, it says that "handicapped people are not the ones who can't do things, but who do things in their characteristic ways". I guess this. Me, I am not useless at all. Indeed, I can't drive a car or do small talk because of autism. But I can write or speak English like this (although the English I speak must be "very Japanese"). It says my characters appear in different forms. In other words, people can show their greatness with showing their characters in various ways with a full of variety. That means "It must be OK if they are themselves". I think that the days I had been bullied and beaten because I had been different from others were really like a terrible nightmare.
Ah, What an enigmatic world. We, the human beings, must be different from each other basically. That's the meaning of being the one (or having one's dignity). It must form the wonder of this world. At least, I have kept on thinking/trying that I want to touch that wonder. Therefore I have read a lot of books and kept on thinking. Once I tried to find the wonder in the outer world. A lot of books I have read (about 80% of them must be just a bunch of paperbacks). I also have wandered/hanged out with really great music heritage... And now, I look at the wonder in the things I have already known well. For example, in myself who I have been with about 48 years. I once had hated this myself and autism. It must be happier if I could live without this "cursed" autism... I even thought like this exactly, but now I am thinking that it is a sign of my possibilities or talents. In other words, I can proud of my opinions/truths even if they look so weird. Through the long time I have experienced, and also the connection I have built... People can change. Everything can change. So I shouldn't hurry up.