BGM: Flipper's Guitar - Camera! Camera! Camera!
I want to write what happened today dutifully. I worked late. This morning I couldn't stay still in my room anymore so went to AEON. But I couldn't feel enjoying reading so had my thought complicated... I sent some messages on LINE. I decided to use my "lifeline" completely. Relying on the precious people honestly, fully... I worked. Although I had a terrible mind to work, but it would work worse if I went back to my home earlier and stay at the room. I tried to screw my body's energy, then my body works automatically. Finally, I could work almost as usual (just "almost"). Tomorrow is a day off. If I meet a person, I will try to confess my thought honestly, than good ideas would follow me.
I even thought that I couldn't write this diary anymore. I might not have to do so. The more I write, the more everything gets complicated... but I can't stop writing. Since I was young, I have kept doing this kind of trial of writing. I even believed that I had a talent, and I tried to make a zine with my college friends. After that, I tried to write novels alone. Writing might have made my growth, or writing just makes my life complexed. Anyway, it is a difficult life. I might believe the power of words. If I use words properly... or use logic then I can let someone understand myself. It is a really optimistic attitude. After that, I started reading Kafka. Maybe it is from that influence (although I have never read his diary).
Some readers gave me kind messages. Indeed, one of them is severe but I want to treat it preciously. But now, my mental state can't allow accepting it calmly. Wait for my recovery... I answered like this. now I am having a messed emotion. Just I can't follow the change of seasons or environment? It's that kind of simple problem? Then, I can get used to that. I can get rhythm again. Once it was so... I tried to control or ride this myself to arrive here. I can't see what happens. It is a dead end? But let it be, then it would go well. I try to believe like this.
Anyway, my stomach gets empty again. I have meals and treat my mind and body preciously. I want to be thankful for the people's kindness which treats me gratefully. They treat this confused myself in panic with a patience... I hurt myself with alcohol when I spent my life with my closed, isolated melancholy. Days like nightmares... but what changed? I want to do more. I just am finding desire in me. Always I say that "happiness is from my decision". But this time I find uncontrollable desire. I should live more dutifully? Or I should live freely without any desire? No, I am treating everything roughly again. I want to stay calm and solve every problem step by step. That's important.
