BGM: Erasure - Who Needs Love Like That
I confess a dirty truth like yesterday. This morning I checked my condition but I couldn't feel like I could work anymore. Because I couldn't stop my fart. The gasses came out almost endlessly, and it impressed me a lot. What a great vitality in me. I wanna live more... Ah, dear readers (I write this like the "Lolita" I'm reading now). What a shame. By that condition, my inner voice whispered me that "Quit just for today". I called my workplace and told "tomorrow I'm going to work certainly". The gas stopped at last, and I stayed quiet in my room. But, it's sad because the "hyperactive" character from autism didn't let me calm. And I found that I had been watching a funny video. It was the one about TONIKAKU AKARUI YASUMURA, who got famous in Britain by his performance. Oh my gosh. But I was certainly healed by it. I was impressed by the comedy's potential power.
I got kind messages on Facebook and other social media again. A person shared with me really "embracing" tweets... Indeed, I had been worried as "Is it really OK? I am actually getting spoiled", but those messages healed me. I thought "just for today". You might say to me "don't run away", "you're hiding behind autism", "you should know you are adult" (although I am trying to scold myself like those). But... just for today! Just today. And let me spoil myself completely, just today. Tomorrow I work again. On LINE, I got a message that said "your inspiration is important, so you should treat your judgement preciously". I had breakfast and took a bath with my full effort, and let my head calm. I thought it would become an endless shame if I posted something carelessly on the internet. It was really an emergency time.
At lunchtime, I had the same sandwiches as yesterday. I tried to sleep again but my body made me move recklessly. I was burned by the feeling that made me hurry to be recovered. I was sicken by the guilty of quitting my work. So, I am really sorry, I enjoyed chatting on Discord in English... A person said to me that "it's from the human nature". I thought of googling that word "human nature", and wanted to borrow Hume's book by its hit. I suddenly, although the reason was completely unknown, remembered Ango Sakaguchi, a Japanese author. About Ango, I read his works when I felt sickness. When I felt "I shall give up", I read him. Dangerous, but it must work as a medicine. I read an anthology of his quotes from the bookshelf. I felt that I accepted the message "listen to your soul's screaming". I will read Ango, with Nabokov.
And... the day I exactly had thought I would go mad ended. But the night didn't make me quiet. So I tried to read "Lolita" and "Philosophical Investigations", and chatted on Discord. Paradoxes in me. I quit my work, but don't quit writing like this. I show my great theories but also am suffered from my fart. I am really weak, and can't see other people's eyes at the workplace, but I say this kind of "bigmouth"... but it is necessary for me to vent my thoughts. I apologize this. I sent a message to the person who had sent me a message in this morning. I shouldn't make her worry. She said to me "you are alright so do not hurry up". You can notice recovered yourself naturally. That's a truth... I chose believing this and slept. A quite, ultra lazy day ended.
