BGM: Beastie Boys - Fight For Your Right
Today I worked early. I am feeling this as really shameful, but I confess that today I actually thought I must go mad. I said to nowhere "help me" in my room. TBH, I got a message which says "you can choose if you go or stay when you find your condition in the morning" on LINE. It was no good state to work... but when the time came, I wore my socks and clothes. I put the "Lolita" in my bag (why can I read this?), and went to the workplace. Help me... once I saw a person had said "help me" to the self-help group's site I had belonged to. Another person said by that as "why do we treat this kind of person's comment?". It might mean we should help ourselves. Yes, I agree with this. But I admit I am not strong. I sometimes say "help me". I complain and show my weakness, and move recklessly like a cockroach.
At last... I worked with a lot of Beastie Boys' songs I can think of. As many as I can imagine, almost endlessly. Body moving... at the workplace various people talked to me. "Are you recovered now?". It is really unbelievable. I accept this as an important change my job coach causes. Ah, I am loved. I couldn't think anymore except those Beastie Boys' songs. I vent my fragmental ideas on my memo pad after I had eel lunchbox. A co-worker said to me that now is hard time to spend because the high and low of temperature is severe. It would hurt our nerves... so we have to move physically, she said to me so. But work is not an physical duty. It is too severe to enjoy. Indeed, I completed today's work...
By chance, this afternoon I listened to RC Succession's song "Slow Ballard". One of my favorite tunes. It says "there is no bad expectation". It makes me almost cry... and I learned that great tunes always embraced me. Listening to Fishmans' "Slow Days", I got a power from the part "Life is long"... I noticed that both songs have "slow". I can't walk faster anymore. This cost-cutting age, this kind of slow walking, slow living isn't approved as a good one. But this world doesn't have any mechanism which breeds Shohei Ohtani. We have to bring ourselves up slowly, steadily I believe. We say now is "time-performance" era. I believe it is nonsense. I live this slow life again.
Ah, how many times I have sang that Fishmans' "Slow Days". I might have listened to this thousand times. "Life is never a serious thing"... Still, it comes from me like hot spring. Now this kind of pop songs help me, not philosophical books or literature. At night, I felt I wanted to do nothing so slept (I never opened "Lolita"). Tomorrow is a day off so I will go to the library to borrow Ango Sakaguchi, and I read his works with Nabokov. Or I would stay in my room trying to do sabotage freely, without any serious thoughts. I would write a novel... my plans go burst. These active nonsense ideas tell me that I am never depressed. Then I ran away from my work because actually I was lazy? I shouldn't be lazy anymore, so I will go crazy, go spoiled as Ango Sakaguchi's messages.
