BGM: Billie Eilish - Getting Older
At last, I am now 48 years old. It was a day off so I went to the hospital this morning. I saw my doctor, and confessed my state of mind to him. I remember that I have had to face various struggles with the issue. How can I build the firm/strong trustable relationship with my doctor? Once I had a huge expectation to him. "Anyway, gimme a lot of pills, and save me" and so on. And also, "You would do this as one of your tasks simply/automatically with saying "OK, OK" even though I say my worries more and more", and "You seem to live with fine salary so have never been in troubles with money management". Somewhere in my mind (No, actually "In the middle in my mind"), I was thinking/having these idea. Yes, I was a weak, "twisted" patient. Doctors just can do "supporting" patients even though he/she chooses providing medicines or advices to help them. So, one step more, the issue of "living one's life actually" is the one patients should face and solve. This means once I was just a simple, innocent crybaby. I feel embarrassed... I got medicines, and found that my friends had given me a lot of celebration messages on LINE etc. It almost made me cry. As Rei Ayanami, I have to say this situation. What to do at a time like this... You would say "You can just smile"?
Listening to Miles Davis's "The Birth of Cool" (you might grin this choice... as I said, today was my "birth" day). This afternoon I read Maho Isono and Makiko Miyano's book "Suddenly I feel sick". This book contains those two authors' mails. It is quite a profound one. Miyano had been suffered from cancer, and tried to survive against her hard/tough fate. It must be an "unlucky" event, but Miyano writes that she never wanted to think that it was "unhappy". I thought that this is a declaration of "fighting against the severe destiny". Actually, everyone can be suffered from various ""unlucky" events. Me, I am born as an autistic person. It might be an "unlucky" event. But this is MY choice whether I give this event the place as it is "unhappy". It depends on my understanding, or my way of thinking... It might be the same concept as "positive thinking" as a lot of self-help books teach. Yes, it is almost the same as "positive thinking", but also it has a deeper/bigger truth for me.
Thinking why it can be... But I have to say this. I have just read this book once, so I can't find that truth. I guess that I have had to face this book during my life. This must be a lifelong book... I say that this tells me that I can learn a certain thing from my life even though I have to face various "unlucky" events by chance (this might remind you of Haruki Murakami's works' main theme). And also I can live with weaving/writing my truth as articles, and also make a bold line/orbit in this world by living my life. Now I heard that 10 percent of the people can be autistic. But this might not be able to help you. "Why? Why ME? Why have I been born as an autistic person in this world!?". This question never fades away. Once, I had a rotten mind and also been soaked into a deep grief of blaming my "bad luck". "I have to live this terrible life as an autistic person until I die. Why the fuck is it possible?". As you know, this idea actually makes one miserable. Yes, once I hurt myself by this way of thinking, drove to the "unhappiness"... In other words, it can happen that YOU make yourself "unhappy" by facing your "unlucky" events to put them into your life history. But also, keeping positive mind/attitude also would be tough/hard for us. How can we solve this problem? This can be my "eternal theme".
I always have a trouble of thinking what music I choose as the day's BGM (in other words, "today's music/song"). Today I wanted to enjoy Billie Eilish by chance and found this "Getting Older". In this great tune, Billie disses how foolish we confess our trauma too much. She sings as "And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed". In other words, the more we talk about trauma, the more we can "improve" that trauma talking as a sophisticated ART. It eventually becomes as a "rehearsal", and also increases the essence of fiction/fake. Of course, it is not a bad thing at all. If talking/confessing trauma becomes a kind of rehearsal and builds/makes a strong/powerful lifestory/autobiography of one's, it can be allowed as a great lifework (but of course, you should avoid telling any clear fake/lies). You can do so... or must do so. It can be a good trial. But I also want to keep this Billie's point of view. "Making lies because they need so", "Getting used to make fake, and also decorating my confession with lies", and "Talking trauma as a kind of selling out". I have to keep Billie's critical words somewhere in my mind (or "in the middle in my mind").