BGM: Prince - Purple Rain
Today was a day off. This morning, I read Ango Sakaguchi's anthology of his essays which I had read in a halfway. Ah, once I had been possessed by the wish of my death, I had met his essay by Rintarou Noriduki's article. At that time I exactly had felt I got a power, and now I found that it still "works" in my mind and "cures" my soul itself. He says there is never any salvation in this world. Beyond any good or evil, this world is there. We have to struggle with our desires... I read Ango's opinion like this. But, although I might be reading too deeply, I guess Ango denies to affirm our desire itself and choose any safer or easier life. I accept he is saying that I have to look at my inner chaos and paradox, therefore be sicken from them... That's the meaning of "falling". It is really no salvation. It says that I have to struggle whole this life with this kind of suffering (mainly, for me, the problems about any women). But that becomes a salvation paradoxically.
I have to live with that kind of Ango's honesty during this life. I might have lived this life with being attracted by any women's beauty. I have been burned by any too distant beauty and mothership (I write this word with a shame because I am already too old). I adore them, so I am suffered from them... Ango describes his lifestyle as "Even though I had any regret, I couldn't get recovered from it therefore I never have any regret". Ah, I have lived this life having a lot of problems about women, and done ridiculous things. I heard that Pascal wrote "If Cleopatra's nose had been shorter, the whole face of the earth would have changed". I read this as this world can be changed by a tiny problem as the beauty's nose's height is high or low. It must be weak. And I am also an owner of weak heart so I have been attracted easily by women's busty figure and rich hips. TBH my ration is following that kind of rapid movement of my instinct recklessly. I am never an adult, a rational person, a calm man... just a hobbit.
This afternoon, although I have really been "dazed" but read Vladimir Nabokov's "Lolita" completely which I had stopped reading. I thought it is a really "tricky", truly smart work. This novel is from Humbert Humbert's monologue. Then we have to be careful about the fact that this novel's description of Lolita's actions are from Humbert Humbert's eyes, or from his clever brain's "kraftwork". Then, should we imagine that there can be any Lolita who is free from any that "kraftwork"? There can be Lolita free from any greedy eyes? All I can say is that I can't escape from his narration's magic unless I read this novel honestly (and choose to be controlled by his words). "Narration", trying to cut this reality from someone's eyes... that is really profound.
I am noticing that my mind is being soaked into this kind of delusion. A sweet nightmare like one... I went to the library and borrowed Junichiro Tanizaki's "Naomi". I have been reading the novels of femme fatale, the ones about the men's falling. This evening I tried to read Nabokov's "Bend Sinister" but couldn't read it. Today I read words too much. Ango wrote as "Running through this life blindly, having no goal to reach, and one day I fall down. That is an end finally". Indeed, that is a life. Me, I have no purpose to live this life. Just I run. To where? Who knows? Like Bruce Springsteen, just "born to run". I am weak so can't choose and complete a hard life like Ango. I have a serious mind for being saved. But I know. Unless I keep on living this lifestyle, thinking everything deeper and deeper, I can never be saved in the future. Ah, I am just an idiot. I can say nothing about this foolish myself.