It was still a bad day for me. The morning I tried to write this diary but I couldn't write things smoothly. I even felt that it was a heavy duty but I did it finally. Some readers gave me messages and they were really glad for me. Having self-esteem in me, and accepting the diversity of myself... but it is difficult for me. Indeed, it might be possible if it was usually, but now I am too sensitive to me. I read Akira Asada again. He describes ourselves by dividing into two types. Parano (paranoiac) and Schizo (schizophrenic). He says Parano can have a certain weakness. Not being Parano who stay at single place, saving their money, and treating single identity preciously. But becoming Schizo who run away from their responsibility of identity and sexuality. Can it be an answer for my question? I can't see.
I can't see... but I certainly got from him the way of looking at the identity and sexuality in me. The feminine essence, strength, and weakness in me... thinking like this, I can see that I am really profound. But I can't think anymore from that. Profound, and also I am like a prism which products various colors from various people. The color I look and others look can be different. Someone can see quite different color from me in this myself. Akira Asada would say that "it is not my fault" and run away. Running away, and throwing oneself into the situation every moment, every chance. Like a gambler who bets every moment. Can I live like him? I start working, and do it. If I start working, I can forget myself. It sounds cynical.
And I think about primal problem. It is from the fact that I have been attracted by a woman. But it is the same one as feeling "moe" to an anime character. Then, what does that "moe" mean? Or that "moe" can be the motivation of love? Everything can start from that simple "moe"? I once tried hard to solve the problem of love logically. I tried to quote the theory of love, which tells me love is a way of fiction... It started from noble people's snob pleasure. I believed that would let me free from the gravity of love. But I have to admit that I can't be free from my instinct. The emotion which needs a soulmate, a certain desire. I can't be free from them.
This evening I asked for not attending the meeting I always attend. I tried to make my mind calm. Not reading anything... and trying to vent the complicated emotion onto my server on Discord. I even tried to write it as a novel. Does people call this as a lovesick? I am becoming 48, but I have to admit that I can understand nothing about love. I am controlled by my childish emotion. Love can break childish myself completely... Osamu Hashimoto said. That would be a hard task. But I can become bigger, richer after that. Not being afraid of changing myself. I would become marvelous. It could happen.