2021/11/29 English

BGM: Motoharu Sano "A Man In Love"

Today I worked late. I went to AEON and tried to read the books about the brain or philosophy but couldn't read them to concentrate. So I thought about the ideas I started thinking about recently again. Why do I think about women? Why do I need love? Once I read an article by Shinji Miyadai. He wrote about the social history of love with sharpness he always has, and I felt saved by reading it. Love is just started from the playing European special people used to do so it was fiction... This logic saved me. But now this doesn't save me and I know that. This is just logic.

I can't love someone... once, when I was a child, I was hated by girls terribly. Damned, Creepy, Don't come... they used to say so. So I couldn't stand nearby them so I can't open my heart and show my love or the emotion which is attracted by other girls. It lasted even if I got a teenager. I was a stranger. Or I was even a creep and a pervert. They laughed and hated me... and no one told me even I could love someone by my heart says. I tried to give up loving or being loved by someone. I believed that this solitude is my life. Then, I met the article which said: "love is fiction".

When I got my 20s, I had hated everything in this world. Also at that time, I wrote something like this but it was, for me, a challenge to the world. So I thought that other people's hate was proper for me and it was impossible that someone loved me or I could love someone. Now I don't think so. But I can't see how to love someone. I might be able to be kind to others. But was it love? I doubt that.

The love from someone... it should be the warmth I think. The warmth of human beings. And in the person who loves me, I can open my heart and heal joy or healing... I think there can be much enjoyment. It is just my imagination. But I can give my heart and another person gives me their heart. This comfort can be love, can't it? Being understood by someone, being accepted by someone... we need that kind of acceptance. But this also might be just logic... I worry about that.