BGM: Aphex Twin - Donkey Rhubarb
Today I worked late. This morning I read Morten H. Christiansen & Nick Chater's "The Language Game" a little. I try to ask myself the question "why can I use language as its rule orders". This book tells me that our language is made under improvisation at every time in ourselves. And our communication becomes our "gesture game". In other words, language has its meaning. But "in addition", our movement from various gestures also helps our communication. It is quite an interesting book so I want to read it slowly and carefully.
I posted some comments about this book to a WhatsApp group for English learners. Pili, the admin of that group, has helped me a lot until now. She said to me that I should accept and love myself, and that advice is still alive in me. I have been supported by her and other members tenderness. I sometimes get bothersome and even hate myself because I am so strange. But I can't imagine how could be if I were quite a different person. I can be myself as usual... I control myself and tune it to become better.
"Improvisation" in our communication. That can mean that we are doing communication without any plans. We can't prepare for the coming communication... Indeed, it's obvious. We don't do our talk by its scenario but just do it by improvisation. Then, that tells me that I, an autistic person, can't become good at communication because I tend to obey almost everything's rules strictly. Indeed, I have to be released from the gravity of the concept of autism. But it becomes interesting when I think about the relationship between communication and autism in my life, my tiny experiences.
Suddenly I remembered Kurt Cobain. "What else should I be? All apologies", he sang so. I can understand that and I remember that I wished I could disappear from this world with huge guilty. But I met Pili and other friends, who help me when I was in hard times. I started accepting and asserting myself step by step through their embracing. I read a lot of books and think about really weird ideas. But I face that myself and live on. Life goes on... I might be able to keep a bold attitude that says "I am just this kind of myself".