BGM: Genesis - Turn It On Again
Today I worked late. This morning I got confused seriously. Indeed, it is not rare for me. But this morning I exactly got confused so vent my problems in my server, and they made my friends worry... I even thought I couldn't work more so tried not to work anymore. But finally I went to AEON, and at there I wrote my worries onto my memo pad. Then I felt my confused mind got calm again. I felt friendly comfort in my mind... I can't see why this kind of trial of writing my worries lets my mind calm. It doesn't mean that I could find any solution. But if I watch my pen moving, or my words written onto my memo pad, then I felt my mind was getting fixed. I thought I could find a way. It isn't a right way. What can be a good solution? I could do my work today as usual.
About those worries... I felt that I couldn't have them anymore so sent some LINE messages to my friends. I also sent messages to my friends on MeWe and Discord, and tried to rely on them. But today I have no enough time to think about and write, so I want to think them slowly... my theme would be the discord I am feeling right now, every day. In me, there are many personalities. At workplace, I am treated as a strange person. At private life, I use English to enjoy communication with many friends all over the world (including Japanese friends). And I am also suffered from strong desire, having huge delusion. And the personality who loves reading and thinking... these many personalities are in my mind together. But they are producing a certain discord right now. Is it natural as a human being? I thought about that.
That idea of unifying my personalities were from the book about Audrey Tang, "Empty spaces produce value". In this book, Audrey Tang confesses her past memory about the division of her identity. She shows not thinking the identity seriously. If I speak my identity as "this is me", then it will be execution of "this is not me". Her open mind doesn't get along with that execution. But can I have such a great open mind? I can't allow my dirty mind as "sly" or "daydreaming". But accepting those dirty mind as a part of myself would be a way of growing up I guess. Anyway, I have to read other people's advice about this. I shouldn't hurry anymore because it would destroy me.
Mother's Day is coming. I thought about myself. It came from I read the part Audrey Tang had talked about her mother and her life itself... I must be a really difficult child to bring up, but my parents treat me preciously and steadily. With affection... I thought I should be thankful for it. Ah, once I even believed that my parents were poisonous. What a shame. I am a crystal of their affection. I am supported by affection by various people besides my parents. From real relationship, on Discord, MeWe, and any other network... I feel thankful for that. Ah, why I could predict that autism becomes a hot topic as now? The future is not dark. It might depend from my current activity. What I do will decide my future.