It fell sudden rain this morning. Probably because of that, I felt anxiety. I felt like I became alone. I said this to myself. There are many friends who are connected with me on Discord and Facebook under the same sky, so I am not alone. And my story of life still goes on. If I don't talk to someone long time, I often start feeling such strong loneliness. But I have friends. It is different from the period I had been bullied. I started trying to think about what books are suitable for this mood to change my thought. Or music? How about Nick Drake? Maybe Durutti Column can be.
I read "Complete Motojiro Kajii" step by step. It knocked my mind maybe because I was almost pushed under the anxiety. In Kajii's novels, the character wanders in a town alone with a bad feeling like a hangover, sickened by poverty. He tries to describe the situation with very keen eyes and thinks over and over with insight. I felt sympathy for him, and also I felt I could share the hardship and sickness with him. They eased my mind. I am also living in the world of "Lemon" ("Lemon" is the most famous novel of Kajii). Although I don't buy a lemon from a shop.
And I thought that Kajii's world might not be so far from the one of Fernando Pessoa's "The Book of Disquiet", one of my favorite books in my life. Indeed, I am only the single person who thinks such a ridiculous idea, but I would add this book to a bookshelf if I made a corner of 'the books for anxiety' in it. Kajii is looking at the anxiety of living itself as Kafka and Camus did. That would live on beyond the time. I might have to read Pessoa again or write my 'Lemon'.
Today I worked late. When I start my work, I thought that I had a slight fever. I even started thinking there was something in my throat, so I thought I shouldn't work more. I checked my temperature of the body and found it was 36.5, the normal one as my daily records so I did my work. If I was beaten by corona, my effort would become in vain. My life goes on and I want to write more. Indeed, once I had spent days with wasteful ideas as self hurting, but now I want to do my work toward the future. That might be life. I have to control myself.
