BGM: Motoharu Sano - 約束の橋
At lunchtime I thought about how is my English skill. Should I try to do TOEIC or other English tests? I have not tried to do those tests because I can't drive a car. Of course, other people don't show any interest in my appealing as "I have been writing my diary in English". I should show a certain clear result. Then, I thought I had to do them.. I started thinking like this. And doing those tests can work looking at how much is my level of English actually. It will make an opportunity to look back at what I should do from now as practice. Or, I thought that I have to attend English meetings as I recently attended via Facebook. "The frog in the well knows nothing of the great ocean"... It is shameful but I exactly believed that "I have a talent of languages" in my mind. But it also means that I am just a bigmouth, so I have to face the reality and start doing practice again. Yes, I am already 47... what an easy-going person!
I rarely use my English as my work at my workplace. So my bosses must see that my English is just a strange way of killing time like DIY or fishing... Even I thought about my skill as "I just have this kind of skill as a strange talent". But now, a job coach I met praised my skill. She even tried creating a way in my work to use my English as my work. That's a really thankful fact to me so I also started creating the way to use my talent in my work. I have been writing my notes in English, and also writing this diary in English... As Wataru Tsurumi, a Japanese columnist says you shouldn't wish any "big hit" to change everything. Every day, you have to change the environment step by step, then that will become a great change. I shouldn't hurry. I just want to make the environment that enables me to use my English slowly.
A Russian woman asked me that "why do you write in English?". I can answer this question from various points of view. I have been treated as "a really strange kid" and "wicked mind" from my childhood. I even had to live as a bullied person. Maybe it produced a certain will in my mind as "I want to open my mind and understand me to this world". Happily, now I have been making a lot of friends all over the world. On MeWe or Discord, a lot of people treat me as a good friend. I wanted to react for that friendship, and started writing my diary for entertaining them (writing novels couldn't last longer because of my autism). And I have been writing that diary for over 2 years until now. In short, as I wrote above, I never dream any "big hit" as my will (for example, I don't think that "I wanna be a famous blogger"). Of course, I would feel thankful if my readers increased. But that's just a problem of numbers. I want to response for the comments as honestly as I can.
This evening, I attended an online meeting. TBH after I had dinner I slept a little, so I had to join lately and feel shameful. But other members talked about my diary. There are honest readers who enjoy my writings... I have felt thankful. This world has numerous blogs like stars in universe, and it should be a miracle that some readers choose to read my blog in that kind of universe of blogs. Ah, once I was blown or controlled by the number of accesses or readers. I even tried to be famous by writing aggressive articles aiming for flaming. Now, my server on Discord has about 100 members. I have never done any edgy thing, but just tried to write my days honestly. At least, I accept this result brought by the real like that. In other words, I react for the real fact honestly, directly. That might be important. I do what I can do.
