BGM: Aphex Twin - Windowlicker
Today I worked early. I tried to read my past diary again, and think about what had changed in me. Let's go back to the genesis. About 10 years ago, when I was at the very bottom of my life and lost any hope... at that period, I went to the supermarket after my work everyday to buy some beers, and drank them completely. Just thinking as "I shouldn't be born", "This era is not I belong to", "I want to die", and "today is the day I can do nothing as usual"... Literally, I drank alcohol like showering from my head, and nothing else to do. About 20 years! Maybe I even thought in such days as "I want to become bigger", but actually I did nothing to realize that ambition. Ah, it was really a sad period. How would it be if I tried to learn English during those drunken days? But, this reglet would take me nowhere.
The reason why I tried to stop drinking was just that I was truly broke. So, if I stopped drinking, I could save money. And also I felt it was really sad to spend my days hurting myself by alcohol. In short, I had no "great" motivation. When I started attending the "danshu" meeting and quitting alcohol, I even felt a fear of that new life. Since that period, alcohol was literally my life saver. Or it was a kind of spiritual gasoline. Indeed, it affected badly to my mind and body, but I could move nowhere if I didn't drank alcohol. Alcohol was the friend of mine, so living without it practically mean I became empty. Or it means that I have to live without God who I had believed strictly. I felt anxiety because I couldn't think I could live that life. How would it be? I can never seen.
Starting attending the "danshu" meeting, being guided by various senior members... I tried to start walking, and eventually have been getting a certain pleasure of that sober life. Until that time, I couldn't have any meal without alcohol enough. I believed that alcohol made my meal delicious (or I thought I could live without meal if I drank alcohol). But I started learning that every meal is delicious if I stay sober (especially, the current group home provides really delicious meals). And I started spending my days with this sober mind. I started enjoying books, movies, and music... that made me notice that staying sober brings me a clear happiness. Until that time, I just believed that sober life is just to endure boredom, but now I feel that it means an active life. After that, by accidentally I remembered the past that I had learned English at Waseda, and started learning English again. But, of course, this was realized because I tried to quit alcohol. That makes me the mystery of my life or my destiny.
And... I started writing my diary in English. I also started chatting in English on Discord. Starting learning about autism again, and enjoying the friendship from that handicap... now I notice that I can enjoy my sober life, thinking clearly with my mind. I can enjoy writing and reading. That's really glad to me. By writing English, I noticed that I own a little toughness or coolness in me... Writing English is also changing me. I want to write about this at other day's diary. Usually, TBH my head is full of desire or delusion for women (you must know already what I'm saying). But if I start chatting in English, another personality in me starts working. That seems attracting other guys (I am not any great person. I know this myself a lot). It is a certain enigma for me in this world.