Probably it was because I had felt depressed yesterday... today I couldn't feel well. I asked myself why I should feel so depressed like this, but I couldn't find any good answer. Maybe it's just because I can't follow the changing season in my mind and that's all. Giving up reading, I sent some messages to my friends on WhatsApp. I got surprised by those messages from me. They were flooded by me. Just sending greetings and thanksgiving messages was wonderful, and I thought that they were great achievements of mine. And I thought I could live on because writing my memo in English and sending someone the messages like that recalled me that there is a certain power in me.
My memory goes to the past days. The past... about 10 years ago, I had to face a lot of impossible tasks in my work, and I thought I should solve that problem by myself alone. But I couldn't, so I committed suicide and ran away... I wrote a diary about that period on mixi, a Japanese famous social media. Finally, I stayed a few days in a hospital, and after that, I stayed my home with alcohol and books. I read Mieko Kamiya, V. E. Frankel, and Choukitsu Kurumatani who was from the same countryside as me. I thought about how my life or everyone's life could be enigmatic. Now reading the diary of that period, I think it's idiotic that I watched and thought about various things really narrowly, and in a retrospective manner. I believed strictly that I looked at myself only and suffered my life's hardship. I am impressed now that I can be recovered from such a low stage. I might get grown up... I want to read Mieko Kamiya again. Ah, I was soaked in hard days and it enables me to live on.
I sent a returning message to the girlfriend who once had sent me about Kenta Nishimura, a Japanese novelist. I sent her that I could write my diary only. But she told me that I had forgotten about having any dreams or ambitions in my life. When I ran away from everything, I tried to write my novels and earn big success. I tried to use my imagination and write about illegal drugs even if I just experienced alcohol only and tried to become a sophisticated writer like Kazushige Abe or Chuck Palahniuk. I feel really ashamed of that, but I can say that I had challenged certainly. After that, I joined the "danshu" meeting and quit drinking alcohol, and started a steady life like this. And I met the girlfriend... everything brings me here.
I heard that a big earthquake had happened in Turkey. I have a boyfriend in Turkey so sent him a message to see if he is alright. He told me that there is a great friendship between us. I think that learning English widen my life and therefore my life is getting deeper. Under this sky, my friends are alive and enjoying their lives... I started this diary to show them my life. I had lived a really weird or crooked life. A really idiotic life but I hope it would attract them. And that emotion that needs someone to let me learn English. Writing my diary in Japanese and English... Indeed, once I was haunted by adoring to speak English fluently. I had a huge inferiority complex. I see I have changed drastically. I want to rock and roll like Paul Weller.
