BGM: Massive Attack - Daydreaming
As I have written this many times, once I was never a diligent/dutiful student at any schools. When I was a teenager, I had already disappointed about this whole life itself (at that time, I had never learned I am autistic.) Although I had attended the schools to learn, I couldn't find why I should do that kind of activity. As The Smiths sings in their "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now," I had thought "why do I give valuable time?" to this absolute nonsense.
After graduating Waseda, in my 20s and 30s, I spent my whole time with drinking really heavily. At that period, I had completely lost any hope toward my future. I could even think that anything seemed impossible to me, because I had been born in wrong time, wrong situation (or simply I am cursed autistic one.) Therefore, all I can remember about that drinking period is almost nothing. At these days, I simply worked, ate, slept, and dreamed I could die as soon as possible.
And... my 40s started at last. One day, I thought this when I could stop drinking only one day. If I start drinking again from today, then I will die in my 60s (or maybe 50s.) Can I accept such a miserable life (not leaving anything to this world, but just staying drunk all the time) as mine? If I do that, then I will accept that I'm a loser...
Maybe that idea let me make the decision of quitting alcohol - and I have quit the habit of drinking for over 9 years. After starting quitting, I also began learning English like this - but this time, the purpose has been different from the one I had kept as a student. Now, I have been learning it for the simple pleasure of learning itself, not for any exams. I can find that I can use my free time with this sober mind to learn something eventually, steadily. That's good for me.
Yes... after quitting alcohol, at last I've found that staying sober will enable me to enjoy every single moment. Great meals, good reading, precious working time... and also, learning something to make myself wiser. That kind of satisfaction is the one I always want to taste, therefore I would give this valuable time to do learn English.
