BGM: OPUS III - I Talk To The Wind
Today I worked late. This morning I wrote my poem at the food court at AEON as usual. I do work, and also write my ones steadily by using about an hour per a day. This is my style. I write with obeying my rule dutifully and constantly. Although we can remember that there were a lot of poets and authors who had lived their chaotic lives, I know that I have no talent as them. I can neither enjoy any alcohol nor drugs. Although I have coffee, I'm not interested in seeing the imaginary states which can be beyond our ordinary life. I am interested in the poetry which comes from the ordinary, orthodox life with sober mind. When I write my poems, I start writing English version. At first, I try to use the system of rhyming, and I start building my one step by step, one sentence to another sentence. And I write it as a draft on a notebook. After writing that, I rewrite it at the resting time in my work. Going back to my group home, I upload it onto my blog. It seems to be a duty/task for me instead of any creation. No enigmatic... But that kind of task would bring me something important.
About yesterday's journal, a friend of mine, Victoria, was pleased by reading that. My success.... I read the message from her via WhatsApp, and I cried a little. Yes, it was really a long, long road to live, or survive... I am really a lucky person. But it couldn't be the achievement I couldn't have done by myself. I remember that my job coach and I have done the collaboration to accept various problems in our workplace. Or we also have kept on thinking various troubles/problems of us, the autistic members at the meetings. For example, the money management and also controlling our moods... Those experiences are still alive in me. I can see that I couldn't endure my work without my friends I had met via those meetings (They are really precious friends for me). I sent a message on LINE to them. I am thinking how about writing the poem I will dedicate to them. Through their existences, their kindness I can have learned that this world must be a wonderful place, and also this life has the worth to live. Indeed, sometimes the real life shows its teeth. But I say that I love my life.
I remember... Quitting alcohol is also the work I couldn't have done by myself alone. At the "danshu" meeting, we learn that "To keep on enduring alcohol must reach its limit one day" and "We can't quit alcohol by ourselves alone". If we try to have a strong will to keep on quitting alcohol, it will show a terrible result. We should try to keep on quitting alcohol loosely controlling ourselves calm and comfortable by the connections with other members. Me, I have had this "danshu" meeting, and now I can feel that I face the frustration honestly with solving the desire of drinking alcohol again. The creation, which is what I am into besides quitting alcohol... or the reading itself might be the one we have to enjoy with other people, not alone. Of course, when I read and write, I have to stay lonely to do those activities. Facing myself honestly, and trying to listening to my inner voice. But I should share that voice with someone else finally. The things I will write will end as the ones other readers read (or when the readers read and accept the things, it can become another beginning). I have reached this simple truth.
Thinking like that, I see that quitting alcohol and creation are the ones of "collaboration". I am thinking that human beings are basically weak (of course, I am also weak). Those weak existences try to connect with others, do the collaboration then it will start any unexpected works... Or I start thinking the theory in Haruki Murakami's "Hear The Wind Sing". "Civilization is communication". The "communication" can't be achieved without the other person. We create our own works to do communication with others. This means also "connection with another person"... I have thought that helping others through learning English can tell my dream. To become a bridge... But now, I think that my creation, my reading, my activities sharing can work as the result of being a bridge. As a bridge, I will "connect" other people. I remember that once I was really a weak coward. Oh my, it sounds like Atsushi Nakajima's novel. I am never a genius. I want to enjoy a lot of collaborations even though it sometimes would hurt me.
