BGM: Rufus Wainwright - Across The Universe
TBH tomorrow, the 3rd of July is my birthday. I will be 48. 48... I am really impressed that I have been surviving my life through a lot of troubles. It is the same as Franz Kafka's birthday, the person who I have adored so much. So once I had thought that "I wanna live like him" and "I wanna be 'modern Japanese Kafka' and also be famous". That Kafka had passed away in his 40. I once strictly had believed that "I also would die in my 40 like him" (of course, I was really young and fool). At that time, I had been a sad heavy drinker. I had never joined the meeting about autism yet too, so I could have been soaked into my own sweet and imagination/daydream/nightmare. But life is strange. At that 40, I started quitting alcohol anymore. And also I could meet the friends who had also been into troubles about/as autism. We built the meeting at last. It means that the age 40 was a turning point of my life. I might be able to say that "I could begin my life from 40". Is it a fate?
Now... I can't remember why I had drunk a lot of alcohol in such a terrible way. My lifestyle/point of view has been changed clearly/drastically. You can describe this as "de-brainwashing". I remember... I had started drinking because I couldn't find any job when I graduate my university (at that time, we didn't have any smartphones as useful equipment yet therefore I couldn't make any task schedules well. I also have to confess that I can't talk with anyone in any real situation positively to appeal how I am cheerful). It had driven me crazy and made me started drinking. That was the beginning. Maybe you already have read this topics many times in this journal... But I was a kid who had been bullied a lot in schools, so my self-image had been distorted heavily/terribly. I had hurt myself a lot virtually/mentally as thinking "Why have I been in this world?" and "I wanna die soon"... I remember this. Serge Gainsbourg, a legendary French artist/performer, said that smoking is a way to do slow suicide. Me, drinking was a way to hell (but I had dreamed that it was an easy/pleasant way to heaven).
And... I thought something was wrong with my drinking style. I tried to stop drinking so googled... and found the "danshu" meeting group this city has. But I couldn't quit alcohol at once. Days passed in vain... and one day the headache arrived me suddenly, so I had to stay in bed. I could stop drinking that day. C'est la vie... The next day I wondered a lot. I should go to buy one more can beer to drink again? "To buy or not to buy, that is a question"... at that time, I (or someone in me) said clearly like this. "It is pitiful", "I am really frustrated". Because if I started drinking again, I would have lived this life soaked into the sea of alcohol. I would die in my 50s... or 60s. Indeed, that can be "a human life". But it must be a "pitiful" life. I remembered Ayumu Kato, a Japanese comedian's phrase... Sorry, I can't find any good English word so I just write it in Japanese. He says "Kuyashii-desu!!". At last, I found a "spirit" in the bottom of my mind/soul... No. Sorry, I have been MAKING/WEAVING a story. Actually, I just had thought that "that's enough", "I don't want let myself drink alcohol anymore". Or simply "I choose living" and "I am frustrated". I found those various ideas coming/flooding from my deep bottom of mind/soul...
After that, I have been quitting alcohol. I have never done any slipping (drinking again). But still now, when I find a sign that says "DRY", I get shocked (in Japan, we have popular brand of beer as "ASAHI SUPER-DRY"). But I don't want to drink anymore. I am now enjoying "the second life" or "a new life" steadily/eventually... "Kuyashii-desu!!". As you (the readers of this journal) already have known this... I am not a "manlike" person (of course, I can't say I am a feminist too. I unconsciously hurt women actually with a certain "manlike" dominance. If you are finding some essences of that, don't hesitate to tell me, please!). Everyday I am writing this... I am just a slacker/wacker with a hentai mind. Just a "sissy" crybaby... But I am also that kind of owner of a tough spirit even though I am like a slug. The spirit that enables me to beat myself, overcome addiction... Like Sting sings, "Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot", I have been surviving. It must be a lucky guy's life. I have been surviving...
