BGM: Mr.Children - 名もなき詩
Today I worked late. It was really raining heavily this morning. A friend on Discord shared with me a interesting article. It's about the writers who are trying to write their novels in their non-native languages. I can remember that I had learned these writers' activities are called as "exophony" by Yoko Tawada's book. And I'm glad to read that because I can learn the "exophony" by another point of view by reading that article. Is my activity (writing articles in English) also "exophony"? Indeed, I don't have to write my opinions in English. I have never been pressed by any political pressure, and also never felt the difficulty of miscommunication as a Japanese speaker. I am just a learner and my writing is just a result of my learning, that's all. It's quite difficult between Jhumpa Lahiri's trial of writing her novels in English and Italian and my trial in English. It's a clear fact, not from humility or modesty. But, in a way, I have to face a difficulty because I am an autistic person therefore tend to use awkward Japanese. I might be a foreigner who has Japanese as a mother tongue.
Recently I wrote in this journal like this. "My English is terrible". A reader answered me tenderly. "No, your English is good". Of course, I was glad to hear that. But I say my English is not good because I am not trying to speak the English various textbooks teach us to use. My English might be a little bit noisy, distorted, confusing... Anyway it must be characteristic. It might be even controversial. Once, when I was just in my 20s and 30s, I would be embarrassed to speak this kind of weird and awkward English (I can't tell this actually, but my Japanese is also "terrible"). This terrible state must come from autism so I would have to conclude "My words are weird because my brain is weird. So everything is my fault". Actually, once I felt ashamed of that strange myself. And also, I even tried to become "more" weird paradoxically. Now I am not trying to become any different person from me. Be myself, stay natural. That's cool enough. I have learned that simple fact even though it was 40 years old or more. Yes, at my 40 years old, I learned that primal truth even though it was too primal.
This afternoon I entered a room on clubhouse and enjoyed chatting. The topic of the room was "what is on your mind when you hear the word 'summer'?". I talked about my job. I am working at a department store so summer and winter, especially "obon (homecoming season in summer)" and "osyougatsu (new year's day)" are great business chances. So it will be really busy therefore I can't enjoy summer vacation. In addition to, my birthday is the 3rd of July. In other words, when summer comes it will mean I get one year older actually. I have to feel "I've gotten older today" severely... Oh my goodness. But in other words, I have to be thankful for that busy job and this healthy body. Yes, I am happy... I never want to say that "everything is up to you (or me)", but if I felt that everything could be disgusting, I would escape from this situation. I don't want to escape. I have the job, and the relationship with trustable friends even if I have to face a certain stress. I am not free, but within that limit I am living freely... Oh, I wrote nonsense.
I read Hiroshi Toya's "The philosophy of SNS". SNS is a Japanese way to say social media (SNS is for Social Networking Service). This books is trying to explore our existence and lifestyles with that SNS/social media. I am actually using Facebook and Discord (this isn't social media?), and once I tried to become a "famous" person in a narrow space in that social media. In Japan, I can say that narrow space (the space within the relationship with my friends) as "Seken". And in that "Seken" I had tried to be attractive because of esteem-need. In that way, the internet must be dangerous. Especially, for the person who has a huge emptiness. Like me... You might think that it sounds suspicious. But I am an empty person with no certain policies. My opinions come from somewhere when I read various articles, comments, and books. So I have to feel embarrassed about this journal because I often forget what I have written. Yes, it is really "readymade" or "instant"... I have to owe the responsibility to my opinions.
