2022/07/25 English

A day off, and the day I have to go to meet my doctor (once a month). I thought that Judith might open her room as yesterday, but she didn't. I wanted to talk to her about books, but that can happen. I talked to my doctor about my recent days. About the problems of women I have, even the leader of my group home listened to me. That was really glad to me... I talked about this to him (Ah, this problem let my head almost burst!). After that meeting, I got some medicines. I went to Aeon and read Yoshio Kataoka's "Japanese and English" again. This book is compact, but I can't handle it roughly.

I heard that Yoshio Kataoka writes on index cards the expressions of Japanese and English he thinks they are interesting or strange as memos. And after the process of forgetting them, he reads them again and thinks about their meanings. In other words, he meets the past besides various English and Japanese writers as one of strangers. And such a keen sensitivity to finding some strangeness in himself, he can write his works with creativity more. I had the idea like this. Once I tried to follow him and use index cards too, but now I use memo pads.

And I have finished reading Yoko Tawada's "Exophony", which was halfway I had read. This title means 'going out of mother tongue'. But I guess that she is brave because she tries to lose herself between her mother tongue and another language, in other words, she doesn't have any mother tongues, even if she speaks Japanese and German fluently. I was impressed when I read that she told us we can write more exactly and bravely without any taboos we have within our mother tongue if we write something in a foreign language. Indeed, sometimes I find it becomes clearer if I use English in my writing. I should write my hard problems in English.

At night, I had some lewd obsessions. They always haunt me... and finally, I thought "why don't I write this?". Without any plots and structures, I wanted to write about the things that haunt me 'now' without thinking of any future. So I decided to write it as my bitter-sweet memories. Yes, it must be edgy but some of my friends read and enjoyed it. That was good for me. But how should I open it in the end? If you thought you wanted to read it, then notify me, please.