I had a day off today. This morning, I saw a sub-admin of my group home to confess the issues I have had. As I have written in these journals, I have been struggling with a certain desire toward women, although that must be a truly unreal delusion that I can't tell you clearly (therefore, between real recognition and plenty of lewd pieces of daydreaming, this tiny brain has been so confused that I feel that it will explode completely).
The female sub-admin person showed her deep kindness to me, therefore (even though my story must have been too messed up) I could share it with her. By confessing about it to her, I could approach my trauma within childhood memories. At that time, I couldn't tell how I felt lonely (especially, during my sicken teenage days!) therefore I just ran to various books such as Haruki's "Norwegian Wood". But now, I can feel a truly strong band/connection with various friends. When I am alone, I need to whisper to my inner child this. "You are alright, even though you have been attracted by such a huge delusion".
After that meeting, I took a nap. On Discord, a friend of mine taught a sad news. One of my favorite American authors, Paul Auster had passed away. I have recalled the memories of his various brilliant books such as "Moon Palace". When I was a college student, I used to enjoy that evergreen youth novel in a narrow apartment room (even now, I can recommend the "Moon Palace" to you as a masterpiece of novel. For me, it is a literal "classic" one).
On a LINE group, I shared that news with my friends. One of them taught me his memory of the movie "Smoke", which is based on Auster's novel. Yes, "Smoke" is also a heartwarming masterpiece for me. I can remember the 90s as my youth - through that movie, I learned Lou Reed's and Tom Waits's music. And also, that movie (or the whole of Auster's novels actually) has taught me what must have been important to live this modern life. As I have written, the bond with intimate people can be trustful... I accept that movie as this.
Maybe because of the shock, I could have done nothing special to do... so, after attending the danshu meeting, I just laid myself on the bed and stayed still. Rest in peace, Paul Auster. And, thank you!
