BGM: Pixies - Where Is My Mind?
I worked late today. Listening to Sade's songs, I tried to think about the misogyny within me this morning, and even sent my honest feeling to my friends on the app LINE. As I have been always doing, I look back to the past days... As a junior high school student, a music teacher invited me to a brass band club. That club had plenty of female members, and all of them hated me so terribly (even younger members scolded me as an idiot). Thinking about this, even now I feel a certain hurtful feeling in me.
How should I do to resist that hate toward me? How do I show my precious will, and my dignity toward them? I can't see... Maybe I could have thought if I should "beat" or "hit" them with my fist. Of course, they are girls therefore it must never be allowed. But, if you can't be allowed any rational, verbal communication with them, what can you do? Probably this trauma could have made me a lonely "misogynist".
Looking back to my past days to recall other memories of mine... I find that I could have been influenced by various male writers' works. Haruki Murakami, Ludwig Wittgenstein, Franz Kafka, and Paul Auster. Of course, plenty of women influenced my way of thinking too such as my mother, my job coach, and the women I had loved once... Can this be inequality or another possibility of "misogyny" in me?
I am male, and a heterosexual guy who can love women. But as I have written above, the feelings or desires I could have had in my mind were once blamed as creepy or perverted so terribly. Once I even tried to give up the possibility or dream of being loved by other women in my real life, and ran from this battlefield into my dreamland or my sweet, dreadful delusion which has many sexual, sweet girls as sugar. But now, how should I face the honest emotion in me that makes me want a soulmate?
After thinking about the things I have written above, I talked with a friend. She showed great warmth in herself. Looking around me, I can find many, so many friends/mates who help me... Yes, I have to say this to myself (maybe I should "recall" John Lennon). "The War is Over", and only the small circle around me was once completely haunted by a certain crowd/coward mind...
