BGM: U2 - Stay (Faraway, So Close!)
Today I worked early. During work, I fell into a bad mood suddenly. I know this feeling. "Go away" and "Don't be". I felt I heard those voices and thought that everyone might feel I am a bothersome person. Everyone hides that feeling from me... I even thought so. TBH that feeling is friendly to me. I even feel it is comfortable. I shouldn't be in this world... once I had thought that I was really sorry for "being born in this world" to my classmates. I felt a slight sickness from that memory. However, I remembered the movie "Wings Of Desire" by Wim Wenders. In that movie, two angels appear. One of them stands closer to the person who has a depressed mind and tries to empower him. The angels are invisible to humans, but the person understands the angel's empowerment and gets recovered... I remembered that scene.
Remembering that scene, I thought that this world could have that kind of angels as "invisible power". My mind would be eased if I try to imagine that there are the beings like those invisdible angels. Because being connected to the large things lets you think that you can allow yourself to their arms. I can't see if there are angels, but at least, I always accept that kind of "invisible" force from this world. I am getting the certain power from the "danshu" meeting, the meeting about autism, Shiso International Association, Discord and more. I am never alone... that idea let me think that it is really precious to be connected with other people in this world. I might talked too abstructly. In short, I want to say that I felt thanksgiving to the brilliant connection beyond me.
When I was about 8 years old, a student in an elementary school, a teacher brought me to a room and taught like this. "You wouldn't be able to make any friends who can share your mind with them. It would be only one or two". That comment was brought by my attitude because I needed friends who could share our minds seriously, and the teacher must thought that I shouldn't have too huge wish of needing such grateful friends. But now, I can feel certainly that I have many friends who can share our bitter memories each other in various places. One or two? More. The memories of being bullied at schools, the books we read recently, some bizzare tastes, deep topics of music... my friends are always there, and it supports me. "Ask, and it shall be given you"... That's true.
After today's work, I went to the English conversation class and took a lesson about Valentine's Day. We talked about various topics as chats. Our favorite chocolate, recommendation of romance movies, the question if current Valentine's Day is too commercial, etc. I usually train myself to express or output my thoughts in English like this (I guess so), but today I noticed that I should train speaking like today's lesson. If I don't use my mouth every day's life to speak, any languages don't come through my mouth. Today I spoke a lot of "broken" English and felt embarrassed, therefore I felt shyness deeply and let the time flow with saying nothing. Yes, I felt pressure and thought I had to speak something, and that pressure made my mind blank... a bad circle. I have to solve this "bad circle" problem so I decided to train my skill of speaking every day. I also thought that I have to follow Paul McCartney's quote "Let It Be", open my mind, and let myself give to the other person in the conversation. I have to work harder to be perfect.
