BGM: LÄ-PPISCH - Control
This morning suddenly I noticed the anthology of poetry edited by Masayo Koike. I went to my workplace with that book to read at my lunchtime. But I had to work so hard because it was busy, therefore I felt exhausted. At the lunchtime, I could only write my poetry so didn't open that book. This evening, after the dinner, and the time until I would have a meeting with my friends I thought I would read something. But maybe because of this really hot summer, I fell into asleep deeply... After that I had the meeting, and rewrote my poem to upload to my blog. Finally I started reading that anthology, and I thought it seems I can't stop saving the "stock" of my books because that kind of "stock" of books might suggest something to read to me in the future. Recently I can stop buying a lot of books as before controlled by desire, and start thinking that I can be satisfied with using the libraries to borrow and read. The desire of shopping/consuming might be a kind of "weather" outside of us. I shouldn't fight it, but just let it flow like any soft trees which can let the wind blows.
But... I sometimes buy books by sudden desire of needing. Today I bought Shakespeare's collection of his sonnets. TBH, although I had learned English literature at the university, I have never faced to Shakespeare's masterpieces because I had read/studied American literature... It must be a really wasteful, no economical, therefore foolish life. Once I adored some Beat generation poets, but I have still never read Allen Ginsberg or Jack Kerouac. But that's life, so I want to read them from now step by step. In my 20s and 30s, the youthful days, or the great summer days in my life, I had been soaked into alcohol and also depression. I had never tried to read anything seriously... But the past is the past so I should "stay strong." Luckily, now we can read "Howl" and "On The Road" in Japanese. This summer I would read them. But... maybe after a week I would start thinking "I should read Wittgenstein instead of writing poems." That is autism.
Yes... I have lived in this "no planning" and "easy going" life until now. Especially, when I was young I had never tried to imagine my future seriously. Just "I want to enjoy myself now" and "I do what I want." Everyday I had drunk a lot... and at last, I had met my doctor after buying alcohol and drinking it a lot. Maybe you have seen this, but I have to confess that I can never do any reading guided by plans as "From now, I will read 'In Search of Lost Time'" or "From now, I will read Truman Capote's works completely." Even if I tried to do so, although first three days I would do that kind of reading by the order/plan, but maybe my mood would change and it could stop my reading itself. So I am the one who can't trust myself enough (Yes, therefore I drink a lot of alcohol even though I think "I should stop/quit".) I am like a slot machine. Therefore I have to face my eye's rapid movement with the spirit of "Take it easy." Indeed, this shows that I am still a kid even though I am now 48 years old dude.
This evening I had a meeting of an online salon I had wrote above. Today we enjoyed doing small talk. We talked a lot about a festival we will hold next October. The number of this city's people is decreasing (It is under 40,000 people). It might be from the reason why we don't have enough flexibility of transmission (there is no train, so we have to move anywhere with our own cars.) What kind of "catchy" or "attractive" thing we can do? A member suggested an interesting idea of "playing Japanese instrumentals (as a concert)." I suddenly thought that "how about my poetry reading?" Indeed, it won't attract many people because "poetry reading" is really maniac. They must deny this, then how about showing our expressions as my poetry or other members' works (Illustrations or photos). It seems showing my poetry as a tiny magazine if we hold a flea market at that festival... Should I say this kind of stupid opinion at that meeting? Do I read too much of the atmosphere by other people? I am writing too much about my autism, poetry, and reading. But I want to "stay strong."
