BGM: Hayden - The Closer I Get
Today it was a little bit irregular schedule to work. I started working from the noon, so it was not easy for me. But in the morning I wrote today's poem as usual. As writing, I thought that I couldn't have thought that I would write like this actually. When did I start thinking a kind of dream or desire (a sweet, childish delusion) of becoming a writer? It could be the time when I was a junior high school student. At that time, I had started thinking that I would write something as my calling. I even had tried to write my light novel on a notebook, but it couldn't be completed. When I was a high school student, I tried to write some reviews of books and CDs. I wanted to become a pro "freelance writer" on any magazines. In short, through those activities of writing, I wanted to live by myself. That was the core of my dream. And since I started using the internet, I tried to write web journal and blog. But I couldn't write any completed things as novels or poems.
And... though it must sound as a foolish story, I adored Haruki Murakami therefore I thought that "someday I want to be like him. The day I will be able to write my thing would come". The day would come... like Haruki Murakami. I heard that when he had watched a professional baseball game, he had got an inspiration and started writing his debut novel. I had waited for that day... and I became 48. But the day came at last as a miracle (it sounds like Chesterton's paradoxical theory). As I wrote this in this journal, this month I went to a bookstore and found a Japanese poet Shuntaro Tanikawa's poetry book. At that time, I thought that "Maybe I can write my own poems?". Indeed, I can remember that this could come from my past memories. A female friend had said to me that "I guess you can write your poems". And I had tried to write my things in Japanese and English... But at last, the expressive passion in me "exploded" like this. It's just like a Haruki-like story. A really miracle one.
Do I have any talent of writing? I can never see that. Now I don't feel any "drought" or "emptiness" of my source of creating, but it would be ended as "being bored" or "reaching its limit" someday. But, keeping on writing like this, I see that this kind of creating poetry fits me. I try to create/write my things diligently and regularly. At least, I don't want to believe my talent too much. I just believe that the things flood from me even though they don't have any mysterious aura. It seems not interesting tasks like doing paper works with stamps. But I guess that this kind of paper works/automatic tasks might contain some enigmatic/spiritual things. Indeed, nobody can see if I can write great poems (I just want to say that I bet I can). But at least, I never believe that the wilderness which allow me to drink alcohol too much or becoming a playboy would lead me to write any masterpieces. That kind of illusion of creation must be old-fashioned to me. And as Haruki does, I just do the regular and banal way of creation.
During today's work, I read Kotaro Sawaki's journal "246" again. It seems that Kotaro Sawaki's days in this journal are like a diligent, steady office worker. I guess it is OK for us. In these few years, I have felt comfortable of reading the books I had read once or twice. Again, again... Indeed, today I borrowed Natsuki Ikezawa's books about poetry from the library so I am still interested in various "unknown" books. But, maybe since the period I had learned I am autistic, I started keeping my firm life, or my steady routine possibly. Because that attitude gives me a certain comfort. I take a day on Wednesdays because I want to have the "danshu" meeting. I also take a day off on Sundays (if possible). Except these days, I work regularly. Today I had to work even though it was Sunday, and I went back to my group home and had eel because it is a special day in Japan (Doyou No Ushi). Quitting alcohol, and I try to live a sober, dry life. Then unexpected inspirations or ideas would come to me. I hope so.
