BGM: George Harrison - All Things Must Pass
"It" came to me quite suddenly. It's just like an event Polnareff in "Jojo" experienced... It was a day off today so I spent my morning time lazily without any expectation of the event which will happen. I went to the library and rented the books by Paul Auster once again (I had to return them sooner). After that, I went to AEON and spent doing nothing. Really lazy... But suddenly I thought I wanted to go to the bookstore in that AEON. I went to there, and found the "fair" of paperbacks for our summer reading our country's bookstores are holding. I decided to buy Hemingway's "The Old Man and the Sea" because I have never read it (I am ashamed of this). And, by chance I met the book "Two Billion Light Years of Solitude" by Shuntaro Tanikawa, one of the books the bookstore has been selling specially/actively. Oh... Even though I have not been interested in his works a lot, but I thought "This is a good chance for me to enjoy". So I bought that book and left. At that time, "it" finally came. "Can I write any poems by myself?".
That "Two Billion Light Years of Solitude" (of course, I bought Japanese version) has an interesting content. It seems that book has been translated into English (so you might be able to enjoy the English version). Therefore it has bilingual content. "Japanese original poems" and "English poems which were translated completely". I have not read English version/poems deeply yet, but I confess that I started thinking "I wanna write like him" and "What kind of poems would flood from myself?" by reading Tanikawa's fresh, sensitive Japanese itself. Yes, it is too rude. I have to follow him diligently from my heart... But "it" gripped me. What could I do to solve that problem of passion? I couldn't stop moving so went to the library again, where I borrowed the books of collection of essays by Tanikawa as a trial. Going back to my group home, I started using Discord, and googled for the servers of poem creations. I joined a few of them, at one of where I created and showed a poem of mine. Yes, I made it quite instantly. Totally "readymade" 4 line poor poem... I should stay calm/modest. A female friend once said to me that "I guess you can write poems, so I wanna read them". But at that time, I just had tried to write my works in Japanese only. I actually had tried to write, but ended as a piece of trash.
I remember... Have I enjoyed poems like that? As seriously as the current reading of Tanikawa? Indeed, once I had bought Louise Gluck's poem collection as a paperback by hearing the news of the Nobel literature prize she had gotten (I had never heard her completely, even her name itself). At that time, we Japanese don't have any Japanese version of her books so I had bought English version... I can remember that I once had been interested in the poets as Allen Ginsberg, Charles Bukowski, and Richard Brautigan, and also I had "carried closely" the collections of poems by Morrissey or Lou Reed. But basically I had not marked/enjoyed poems as a pleasant reading because it has "no clue to understand/enjoy" for me. I need to find a way of enjoying poems like manga. Of course, I respect great poets as great manga artists, so I just "separated myself from them with respect". But, I started thinking that I would like to write poems as a way of enjoying my "50s" or "semi-retirement life". Why don't I write poems in English? Of course, if I did so, I would have to think obeying the traditional rules of poems (for example, to rhyme). And I need to increase my vocabulary. I have to concern my autism because it would disturb my vitality/will to keep on creating. It might end soon.
This evening I had an online meeting of learning English, where we learned English by watching an episode of "The Cosby Show". Although it would sound too banal, the English they speak was really "alive" and "real" so beyond my understanding. It sometimes left me alone so I often did misunderstanding completely, therefore I had to be ashamed... but the host cared me/us a lot with his charming smile so I enjoyed myself well (thank you so much!). I thought I wanted to show my honest will of commitment. I shouldn't make him uncomfortable by my idleness... so I showed my courage. Yes, I obeyed Antonio Inoki, a Japanese wrestlers. "Be foolish" or "Stay foolish" as he says. The poem I had shown/written on Discord got a warm comment (I want to say thank you too). If I started writing/collecting my poems, would they become a great collection? I want to make a poem collection of mine, a physical book. A doujin... No, I can't. I have to face how I lack that kind of ability to enable actual moving to achieve/realize my dream. It is totally impossible, but I can't stop dreaming. "There is never a person who died because of carrying too many/huge dreams"... Has someone said like this?