BGM: Cocteau Twins - Carolyn's Finger
Today it was a day off. Although I had thought that I would like to stay at my group home because of these five days working, my body went to AEON naturally obeying my habit. This morning, at that AEON's food court I read a book about Shuntaro Tanikawa, then a woman who I had met at the English conversation class talked to me. We talked for a while. "Do you want any lover?" She asked me like this, and I thought about. "You have to decide your life before you will be 50". At that time, I thought that "I am satisfied with this life". But her attitude was so passionate that I started thinking "Actually, this life could be a 'sad' one". A lot of events I should have passed through... TBH I had drunk a lot since I was a college student, and kept spending my time with drinking alcohol really heavily. I had thrown my precious 20s and 30s away completely to a gutter. Therefore I couldn't think about finding my partner. I should have considered my income, and also had thought that "I can't have the worth to be loved, and also don't have any permission to love someone else". Ah, what a ridiculous thing I had had. But I couldn't find any "emotion" from myself. Just Sex Pistols sings, I was "pretty vacant".
And... now I am thinking another thing the woman said to me. That's "You. Don't speak about the autism from you so much". "You said you were autistic, didn't you? Other people got surprised. They must think 'He says about that from himself'". At that time, I answered to her as "Because that was an introducing time of ourselves. We should introduce ourselves each other, therefore I said about the autism to others. Although we had never met before and it was the first contact time...". But after that, I started reflecting on myself as "I have to think about this again because my attitude was too 'closer' to confess that personal thing". Then, after that meeting with her, I talked about this to my friends on Telegram and LINE. Is that too 'close' for us to confess my autism to others (especially at the first contact)? But, as you know, the autism is basically "hardly invisible" (or 'completely invisible') handicap/disorder. But that difficulty must cause various problems for us like "can't do small talking" or "can't do read the lines". Is that strange for us to consider about the autism before starting the relationship? I can't see.
Of course, it would give the other person a certain mental pressure as saying "I am autistic therefore you must care me" or "You should treat me tenderly" if I confessed to them that all of a sudden. I can read that kind of atmospheres between us, and I want to avoid that happening so I must be careful. My friends said to me that "It is up to you. Do what you like!" and "I don't think that it would be hurtful for you"... Then it can depend on how we treat the confession. The meaning of saying "I am autistic"... I never think that it would be neither negative nor serious to confess my handicap. I just say one of the lighter facts of mine as "I like punk rock" (I guess the autism might be actually lighter for me). And the woman I had met thought that it must be heavier, therefore she afforded an advice to me as "You shouldn't". It is for me an interesting event to think about that kind of confessing again. But I'm sorry, I will talk about my autism to others to be dutiful to this life.
After reading the book, I thought about Shuntaro Tanikawa and Haruki Murakami. I accept that both two authors made the action of expressing ourselves as poetry and novels a really casual thing. In other words, they made that trial of expression easier. Before their appearances, I think that it must be an aura as "the brilliant results of art" within poetry and novels. They are really great because the creators had made them with their whole lives... But Tanikawa and Haruki made them the same level as "daily commodities". The items that we can touch so easily in our life. In other words, they made their products so cheaply (as a copywriter Shigesato Itoi says). I never want to show any disrespect to Tanikawa and Haruki because it is never a problem of "which are better? Great poems or commodity poems?". I choose the poetry which has an aura if my mood suggests. In other words, I would choose commodity poems. For me, William Shakespeare and Morrissey, both are great. Elliot, Dickenson, Bob Dylan... All are great. I don't want to be afraid of "sell" my poetry cheaply. But maybe some people who are too honest like the woman I met would say to me "You are a kind of 'Daiso'". If so, it would be "sad" for me.
