BGM: Betty Boo - I'm On My Way
What does the emotion of "anger" mean? TBH this morning I just tried to stop myself because I almost got mad... and I could. I can't say what happened actually, but I just say "it is because of my work". Yes, I am an autistic person. But should I endure such a disgraceful, humiliating event? If so, why? I felt really shameful about my autism, my destiny. And also I feel a certain unequal about the fact. Why can she (the person must be a neurotypical person) make me shameful so easily? Why is she so harmful? She must be a psychopath who can make lies smoothly... In other words, there must be certain people who have learned how to live their life successfully and neatly. They smile and act cheerful to others, but show harmful attitude to me only... This world is really unfair. But, I also accept that it is slowly and actually getting better than the past. When the issue of autism had not been hot like now, I even shouted that "I have a handicap in my brain" at the workplace. People treated me as a "fragile" thing... At that time, I was alone and hadn't learned any tactics. I couldn't see how to "fight" that situation.
Now I am reading a book "How to Stand Up to a Dictator" by Maria Ressa, a journalist from Philippines. In that book, the author says to us how important we put a proper place to that emotion anger in our minds. Not having struggles to deny or erase that anger, but thinking about why that anger had happened, and also about making new things from it as a source. At least, I accept her opinions like that. Indeed, I respect these opinions. But I can't let myself be into anger. I am not good at showing anger. Although I can feel smooth by shouting or hitting the things actually (maybe, by anger, I almost beat someone else physically), the situation always "revenges" me. It always gets worse when I show anger. Once I dreamed I would beat my bosses or my father, or blame them to the extreme point, but I couldn't do so. I just had to drink a lot to forget that stress with huge anger. I must be not good at showing anger, so I should stay calm. Then everything will go fine... I am giving up like that.
This is a quote of Nietzsche. "It is the stillest words that bring on the storm. Thoughts that come on doves’ feet guide the world" (from "Thus Spoke Zarathustra"). Of course, you might have another opinion. But I have a deep sympathy with this. Finally, as an issue of my policy or lifestyle, "Showing anger is not a good solution of my life" I think. Of course, I am a tiny human being so anger sometimes floods from my mind. It brows me almost completely. It even happens "every day". But I have been trying not to show that to outside, but "swallow" in my stomach. And I "vent" that emotion to other places, not showing straightly at the place I felt anger actually. Now I have so many friends on MeWe, Discord, and LINE. I also connect myself with the real relationship, the "danshu" meeting, and the English conversation class. Venting "my truth" to there, I can manage this tiny and too sensitive mind. That's a way of my "anger management". Ah, as The Beatles sings, "Christ, you know it ain’t easy" ("The Ballad Of John and Yoko").
This evening I attended a ZOOM meeting. At there, I enjoyed a lecture about the castle once had existed in this Shiso city. About the history/truth the pottery from that castle talked to us... Me, I can remember that I started enjoying walking on the mountain. The mountain is the place once the castle had been there. It is really a great and enigmatic fact that I have been enjoying the place where once a lot of ancient people had lived their lives. I also thought that my life. It can never be longer than 100 years. No way! And the history of "our" lives could last longer than such short lives of us. They last beyond our tiny existences. I remember a Japanese poet, Basho, who had left his poem "The summer grass- It is all that's left of ancient warriors dreams"... I am really grateful for this meeting because every member tells us their precious knowledge. There is a person who faces the history or tradition, and studies steadily and quietly. It embraces me exactly, and also "sets a fire" in me. I have to learn English more... the night went on.