BGM: Masayoshi Yamazaki - パンを焼く
As usual, I put my memo pad from the pocket and start writing my ideas in English. And trying to read them in English by myself... I certainly get fear of thinking that these my memos might be just a nonsense or chaotic random. I can't see if these English "graffiti" can have a certain meaning by the eyes of native speakers. So I try to post the pic of it to Discord and MeWe. I want to make native speakers read it and say some comments. About this kind of problem, I get a sympathy with a philosopher, Wittgenstein. He was the person who had thought this communication's problem really deeply and kept on writing as his masterpieces. An enigma of communication, being delivered by my rough words... I can read them by myself and understand what I wrote. Wittgenstein had thought about that magical or radical potentials. I respect him.
A friend said to me as "quirky" about this memo. I googled and found that this is a word which describes a difficult thing. Any "strange" but "wonderful" things. Me, I think myself as really strange because I write English memo although it is not my mother tongue. It was just from an "instant idea" and that's all. Once I had written my memo in Japanese, but it had not suit for me therefore I couldn't keep on doing. But once I just thought I wanted to write my ideas in English, and tried to do so. Then, it fit me so I keep on doing that until now. Through a test which checks my autism, I was said that my skill of writing and reading words is high. That is the key of this "quirky" activity. Yes, that is me so I keep on reading many, really many books every day, and from them I think about a lot of things. I even write my diary to let them out actually. But, then who is not a "quirky" person on this planet? Is this just an excuse of an autistic person?
Reading Twitter after a long time, I found an interesting tweet. It was about the fact of being an autistic person. Blaming many troubles or any difficulties of living this life to autism. Indeed, they are important trials. But if we stop our progresses by blaming them, we can't go anymore. How should we live on thinking autism as the things we already know and should overcome. Yes, I once had a period of thinking "I must be unhappy and miserable because of this autism, and everything is too late to change in a better way". But recently I am thinking that I must have some things to change this situation even if it is a hard precondition. As kinds of "some things", I learn English and read books. I won't stop keeping on learning every day. I heard Martin Luther had said as "even though this world would end tomorrow, I would plant apple trees onto this ground today". This quote is also famous in Japan. Indeed, we need to complain or vent, but our life is too short to complain only.
Today I worked early. The evening I thought I would enjoy my reading time elegantly as usual, but my mind didn't stay quiet. Many books attracted my mind. Reading Shinji Aoyama's diary with Augustus Pablo's music, or trying to listen to Debussy and Satie... Ah, what a free and loose life. Reading my diary by chance, I thought why I was this kind of bigmouth. Learning English makes me enjoy letting out my troth to this world. I find the pleasure of communication with friends from all over the world. I criticize that my bigmouth comes from that kind of worldwide communication. That gives me huge self-esteem. In other way, I say I am basically just a weak person but my skill of English hides that. Learning languages cures our souls. I feel that. I recommend you to get or gain great self-esteem by learning them.
