BGM: R.E.M. - Shiny Happy People
Today I worked late. I went to AEON still with a confused mind. I just tried to think about various things, without reading any books... I got a message from a friend who I sent yesterday. Reading that, I thought about "who I am?". The self who works at my workplace, the self who stays at my room with daydreaming, the self who communicates in English with others actively... the dirty self, the sly self, the open-minded self. The more I think about these, the more I get confused. Reading the answering message from her, I thought that I needed a sense of humor which enables me to laugh at this confused state. Not trying to ask for who I am seriously and directly, but just showing smile to the situation which makes my mind messed. I need that sense. I can't see who I am. WHO I AM? I might have to live that state like a chameleon.
I have to work even if I get confused or I am in a bad state. I worked today too. It was really sick... listening to R.E.M. "Out Of Time", and I thought I got a sense of humor or a positive power from their music. This sickness might be a kind of "the sickness of producing something important". I might product something huge from me... and it might be a chance of getting something great. I can't see. I should write a novel? ...about discord from the many selves in me, and about the myself who can't allow that paradoxical selves. Every morning I get crazy. I almost get mad... but I finally can work at my workplace. How long this sickness lasts? I want to believe that everything goes well.
Anytime, I want to stay my mind open. I always want to do so. I remember the time I was invited at a meeting at an ancient cafe in my town. At there, I met my precious people who are still good pals. And the life of thinking autism started, and the project of job coaches realized. I also started living my group home... and I also have been invited to many meetings, and got a connection with the people from an international association. I want to open my mind even though I am in a confused mind. I don't want to close my mind. Listening to good music, reading good books, tasting good meals. Then, a good day must come. I don't want to hurry.
I read Masakatsu Fujita's "The Clue of Philosophy". Talking "I am this kind of person" is an action for others mainly. In short, without others I can't learn who I am. My existence comes from the relationship with others. I think who I am strictly. It might come from the idea of "I am not an ordinary one" and "I should be treated fairly"... and I can't think anymore. I can't proceed my idea. I should not think anymore today. I should go back to my room and sleep. But I work. My mind is destroyed completely... when my mind get unified again? When I can get a mature state of mind? I can't see.