BGM: Primal Scream - Loaded
Today was a day off. I went to AEON as a morning activity as usual. I wrote my thoughts on my memo pad completely. I have been attracted by a woman, and controlled by that emotion like a daydream... from that to the fact that I have been suffered from a discord of various controversial personalities in me. The self in my group home, the self at my workplace, and the self in my private life. These selves product this discord. Can I unify them into one? Or that wish of unifying them is not realistic? I know real myself. Sly, horny, distorted myself... But indeed I am like that, I act as a nice person in public so people praise me. I have been suffered those paradoxical personalities in me... Those things came from the worries I wrote on that memo pad. I wrote about that to a friend of mine on Discord, and also wrote an e-mail to a real friend. One of the friends sent me a quick response. I think about it. Of course, I feel really thankful for it.
After taking a nap, I kept on thinking about it. Translating that mail I wrote in Japanese into English, I sent it to a friend on MeWe. I wrote a really dirty thing... until this age I have never experienced any romance or love, therefore I have a distorted daydream about women. The response message I got this morning made me think that it would be an earlier solution if I train my body. I thought that physical exercise to learn this body's existence would work enlarging my self-esteem, or knowing this self's real figure. And I felt that this connection is really precious. I can't remember why I started using Discord, but certainly I can be helped by the relationship or connection beyond any tiny benefits, and it reflects me as a result of friendship. I have been helped by real friendship too. I can't believe... once I was terribly hated.
After that, I went to the library and borrowed Yoko Tawada's "Diary walking with languages". Although I have read this book several time with an interest, this reading also suggested me a lot. Like Tawada, trying to live multiple languages instead of being jailed by single language would give me another way of seeing this world, and let me out from single way of understanding the things. And it would let me learn controversial way of seeing this world so I can get a chance to think about it. Thinking by my honest mind, keeping on learning and thinking. If I stopped them and became a machine of any order from upper things, then I could do a terrible result of evil like Eichmann. Then, learning English and writing things like this might be an activity of resisting any evil for me. I got another chance to think about keeping on learning and training my antenna to own an open-mind to the world.
Probably because of that reading of Yoko Tawada's book, I got a notice of Japanese language as Tawada always writes about. I found an unique expression in a Japanese article about a site. If I translate it into English directly, it becomes "browsing this site melts my time". Yes, "melting time" is a really unique expression. It might be like "melting my assets" or "melting my money". We Japanese say that expression "melting" as the case of consuming something with a concentrated state. Then, "time" has became that kind of the things which can be "melted" as "concentrated"... that idea eased my mind which had felt a pressure of my mind's discord. Oh my, I am really easy-going. Looking at those words from me, I notice that there rarely suggest any "hurting myself" or "denying". Instead of them, the words which care myself or praise myself appear. Is this an evidence of my growth? Oh... I am writing "I am great!" again.