A fine autumn morning. I listened to the song "My life" from the soundtrack of the movie "Don't Laugh at My Romance". The euphoria or the positive vibe of this song swipes my depression and gives me ecstasy. Probably now is the time I should watch that movie again. TBH I have not been impressed by Nami Iguchi's movies and her ”The Love and Adventure of Yukihiko Nishino” and "Inuneko" certainly were also hard to enjoy for me, but I accept that her movies have given me a kind of "way of looking at the world" and "accept the one". Therefore they can work as useful tools for me.
I sometimes write in this diary that Shinji Miyadai, a Japanese sociologist, affected my way of thinking. He tells us about the two ways of pride or self-esteem, which are "the one from positive trials and errors" and "the one which tries to become the bigger and sublime one". If I choose rougher words, then it could become that they must be "the self-esteem from inside" and "the one which I should rely on outside". For example, I am exactly feeling self-esteem. But it is because I am simply I am, and I am satisfied with that fact. Of course, this doesn't mean that I am perfect. I am never perfect, and I can accept that it is me. Therefore I am satisfied.
"The one which I should rely on outside" means, as Haruki Murakami sometimes writes in his essays, referring to the past of that person from any great university, or the past they built high scores on the exam. It can end with "Great, and so what?". Me, I once misunderstood these two as the same and thought that "I should have thought that I must be great because I was from Waseda". Yes, I was an idiot. Now I am free from that. Now I am simply satisfied and that is not related to the fact that I was from what university. Never.
But I should have lived long days to get that state of mind. I, my self-esteem has been built by every day's communication in English. Speaking English consists of really tiny trials and errors. I have to build sentences by thinking about how to express myself and deliver thoughtful things one by one. Yes, really great trials and errors. They might work better. Luckily, Waseda is not a popular university in the world. People understand my words themselves and they are the basis of our friendships. I have to be thankful for that. Now I can accept being myself, and that fact is happy for me.
