This morning, a problem happened in my workplace. I saw that had been happening actually from a distant place, but I didn't ask about that strictly because I thought I shouldn't get involved with that. In other words, as my job coach had taught me, I tried to draw a certain, strong line as a "boundary" between me and the outer world.
But, the problem is this. Why do I have to struggle to draw a proper line between them? How should I separate myself from that/them properly? Once, when I was a teenager, I couldn't separate these things well. In my mind, the issues of the world (for example, The Gulf War and the world peace in 1990) and the ones of my private life had become a mixture. It meant to me that to solve the outer world's issues/problems could become to solve my life's problems. Oh, what a shame! At that time, my mind must have become a jammed/messed state as Nirvana's songs describe.
Separating me from anyone else/others... It must need a clear, strong self/identity within me. Or, I need to use a specific term, self-esteem. Although I am just an amateur, therefore, I can't quote any proper books or terms, it can mean that a static core in each one always guides us as a compass. But, when I was such a young and immature kid, I could never have that kind of strong compass to walk forward.
Oh, I remember (sorry for making you read such a banal teenage episode). An ultra-high ideal and an ultra-low self-esteem... In other words, I could never have any pride within me, therefore I deadly dreamed of being into any larger things such as cults, or any communities. Now I reflect on that period and say that I should have experienced various events such as romances, club activities, and part-time jobs, even though I still had to struggle with my ultra-low self-esteem, therefore too shy/cowardly to do those activities.
But, it was an old story of mine... Even though I still have to struggle with drawing boundaries as I have written above in my daily life, now I believe that I can have a tiny self-esteem in me, that has let me write these journals...
