BGM: The Doors - Light My Fire
This morning, I started reading Yukio Mishima's "Postwar Journals", a collection of his public journals. In this, he writes about hate toward music, because it doesn't have any shape or meaning within it. He writes like this: "Music comes to me from somewhere" and "I can't see music even though I try". He even writes "Music lovers must be masochists?"
Probably, he was afraid of being dominated/invaded by music... I guess. His sensitive intelligence impressed me, and I thought about my case. As you can see easily, I am a music freak. Literally, without music, I can't control/manage my mind calmly. I have an autistic, reckless mind that always requires stimulating music, therefore, listen to plenty of music (for example, now I'm enjoying The Doors.) So, Mishima would describe me as a masochist, a slave of music.
I agree with Mishima. Music must be a shapeless thing that "wraps" us with its vastness. But, I can enjoy music's sweet, soft dominance on me. But, what's wrong with this sweet dominance? Even though music comes from somewhere to control my mind, I can accept that. But, I say this won't say that Mishima's acceptance of music is absolutely/completely wrong. As Mishima says, Mishima is a sadist and I am a masochist. That's all.
I guess... that kind of fear of being invaded as dominated by music (Mishima could think that music could "kill" him?) can come from the idea that the person has a certain, firm core/self within oneself. Then, I have to say that I can't think that I have such a firm, certain core in myself. Looking at myself, I find a certain emptiness/void that always seeks something stimulating.
Although I always try to think about various things as logically as I can, I have to admit this fact. The invisible nature within me (Freud would probably call it unconsciousness) always rules me. Maybe my life can mean a certain struggle/trial with verbalizing that invisible nature. In Kiyoshi Kurosawa's marvelous (really awesome) movie "CURE", there must be a certain thing that always moves me to deliver a certain message to this world (even though, in that movie, it was a pure and dark message of "HATE" in my opinion).
