BGM: Prince - Batdance
At last, this diary reaches its 600th day. This morning I wrote this diary as usual. Someone had written about how learning English could work for living our life. It was interesting to read. Me, I don't learn English for TOEIC or my career (actually, I rarely use this English for my work). I just do it for the pleasure of learning itself. In addition, I learn English for supporting my mind (a Japanese famous critic, Kojin Karatani, says that learning any language would work for helping our minds). Anyway, I have never thought that learning English actually robbed my precious time or resources through my life. It says that learning English has given me various gifts certainly. Through talking with others on Discord and MeWe, I can find different pleasures from communicating with Japanese users only. It opens my eyes. Some people wants my English diary so I can feel thanksgiving for learning English.
Recently I am rarely using Twitter, but I actually look at its timeline every day. But if I post something on it, I try to keep the modesty not to be involved other people' cruel or silly tweets (at the time Abe ex-minister had been killed, I actually found some really cruel or brutal tweets). I have often lost myself by various struggles with other users, even gotten mad, and after that I felt really ashamed... nowadays I don't have any interest in gaining many followers or making "buzzing" tweets. Now I have some great real connections of the "danshu" meeting, and also the meeting about autism. On the net I have the connections of learning English or reading. They are really enough for me. I don't want to sell my name to become famous on any social media.
This afternoon, I read the tweet about esteem needs by someone on Twitter. That person said that we should control it by our ration, and I commented that it was different from my point of view. Thinking about it from my shameful past memories, the esteem needs might come from the emotion between "get too closer" and "leave it alone". In my opinion, it is similar with alcohol addiction's ambivalence. Then, we might be able to "reuse" the solution for addiction to solve that esteem needs? We shouldn't trust our ration too much to solve it. We accept the fact we are powerless, and connect ourselves to others. That ability of trusting others would work for caring that kind of addiction to others (I guess this means esteem needs).
This evening I went back to my group home. Maybe because I couldn't sleep well, I felt so sleepy (spring time is famous for Japanese people about sleepy time) that I slept in a halfway of reading Keizo Hino and Jack Kerouac with Death in Vegas's music "Dead Elvis". I am feeling that the rotation of music I am enjoying is getting firm. Before work, recently I am listening to Prince's "Batdance" to adding myself braveness (by the way, this song is popular for some Japanese because a part of this song's lyric sounds funny). And the afternoon, I enjoy various sweet soul music like Mrs. Lauryn Hill. The evening I quietly enjoy Jazz or other music I once enjoyed in my 20s. I stopped following any trend, and am feeling I am losing desire... but my mind changes really easily so I might listen to King Crimson with reading Dickens or Tolstoy. Oh, this is the fear of autism.