BGM: Chara "罪深く愛してよ"
I worked late today. This morning I enjoyed talking to Judith and my friends on clubhouse. I read my journal yesterday as usual, and we talked about our anxiety in ourselves. Judith said that she faces her anxiety through meditation or conversation with herself. Me, I've always been troubled by the pressure of my work, so I would go to my workplace even if I was haunted by anxiety and try to move in the first 30 minutes. Of course, this can have some problems. It must be ideal if our body or mind sent the sign of needing help and taking a rest. But from somewhen, I had learned to face my anxiety physically like that.
After talking, I went to Aeon and started reading Erich Fromm's "The Art of Loving". I heard that Fromm's this book was very old, but it still tells us something important vividly. People have the essence of the father and also the one of the mother. The father's essence is the one who needs our principles and ethics, and the mother's essence is the one who accepts and loves us fully. You might think these ones have a paradox, but that kind of paradox must be in a single human being. That is ourselves... at least, I understand Fromm's opinion like this.
Of course, real fathers and mothers are not that kinds of 'typical' beings. Therefore this way of dividing might have a problem. But I thought that the important is to accept that kind of paradox in a human being, and all of ourselves. As I wrote yesterday, I have the personality of a pro-worker and also the one of a private being. This fact can be explained by Fromm's this logic. In me, or all human beings, there should be a paradox that can produce a deep essence in our minds. Ah, human beings are very profound when I try to look at them from the bird's eye. TBH I had thought about this by the advice I got on Discord. At last, I thought I found the truth.
TBH I couldn't understand how I could love others. This might sound pitiful (or banal) but true. In my 30s, when I had been loved by a woman, I just could accept it as a creepy approach and therefore made her down. At that time, I never thought that somebody could love me. I thought I had no worth, therefore I didn't treat myself as an important thing. Becoming 40s, I met a great woman, and through her words, I learned how I could love myself. I could learn the fact that I am already great enough, even if I couldn't have any priorities. Yes, too late 'eureka'... but another soul mate might appear in front of me someday. I wish I could show her more mature myself.