Today I worked early. In the morning I thought I was ended. Although there were no reasons, I was haunted by anxiety and even thought that "If I died today" (Indeed, this is ridiculous but it is hard to exit if I am haunted by this kind of idea). But my work doesn't treat me tenderly. So I started working as the work wants me to do, then my body started catching the rhythm of work and I could recover my clue to do. We say that "if there is a will, there is a way". I thought that my thought as "I want to do my work" or "I want to live" became an exact power that made me be alive.
People say that my thoughts are philosophical. Probably because I have a habit of doubting everything. If I start doubting things, then I even start thinking that "I would die today". Is this idea a kind of existentialism like Sartre and Levinas? I doubt things and dig my hole deeper and deeper, then I start feeling bad. I kept on thinking about this after I had lunch. I need the courage of stopping the thought and deciding that "I won't die, I can do it". I should listen to my inner voice.
Descartes said that "I think therefore I am". In my case, I say that "I doubt therefore I am". I have lived with the voice of others that say my ideas must be stupid and crazy, so I have got the habit of thinking about how my ideas can be strange or wrong. That works as my style of thinking about things from various perspectives. But if I started doubting things, then I even should doubt the fact that I'm alive. Oh my gosh, today I might have to write such nonsense.
I talked with Judith in the afternoon. From this talking with Judith, I thought about how I could make progress compared with the past myself, and how far I have progressed. Yes, I have exactly progressed and I needed the sicken experiences of the past to come here. Of course, I never want to do such miserable experiences again but I might be able to say that they brought me to arrive at this moment. Suddenly I thought that everyone is like a traveler. On their travels, and living on their roads. And I'm so too. My life must be a kind of quest.