Today, reading Yoshimichi Nakajima's "Nietzsche", I thought about this. "Why do I want to do philosophy?". Why do I ask various philosophical questions to me? To live 'a better life'? Then, what is the meaning of live 'a better life'? Once I believed that becoming 'rich' or 'big' meant 'a better life', and now I think it's wrong... No, this is not correct. It doesn't 'suit me'. Other people might have some different opinions. Then, where is that kind of difference born?
Following the discussions in the "Nietzsche", I think about my life. I can't see what will happen in the next moment. I might die in the next moment... I live that kind of unknown moment in the future. In other words, I have to live 'now' with my full energy. I guess that what Nietzsche and Nakajima want to say is how important that kind of energy in me is. Indeed, it must be strange to live a life with thinking about when I would die. But I like Wittgenstein's philosophy and it tells me how important to doubt our common sense (Wittgenstein doubts the fact that the sun would rise from the East tomorrow!).
By the way, why do I think like philosophically? Living with thinking about nothing, and letting myself into the huge flow of my life might be the evidence of the person's smartness. But I can't stop thinking. I can't stop flooding my thoughts from my mind. Then, I face them and think as deeply as possible. For example, I am a controllable being by me? Or I am just an automaton that responds to other people's actions therefore I am not controllable? That is the way of my life that I have built by learning from Nakajima, Nietzsche, and Wittgenstein. I would keep on thinking until I will die. Even if I would live a miserable life because of it.
Or, the fact that I had been bullied or called mad might lead me to the state Nakajima calls 'a philosophical illness'. However I try to live following common sense, I would do strange actions. Therefore people call me that I am stupid or an idiot. But I am this myself so I have built strong logic within me. Now I read Nietzsche's "The Gay Science" and Hitoshi Nagai's "What is ethics". Both are different books but they would lead me to the truth. The truth... but all I can ask for is just a truth for me? Can there still be the ethical 'universal truth' in such a confused and divided world by various points of view? Now, the truth like 'we shouldn't kill others' could be doubted by us...