As I have already written in these journals, I have started learning English since I was 40. Before that age, even though some friends recommended that I should restart learning English anyway, I couldn't keep any motivation in me, instead, I chose to drink a lot of beers in vain. Remembering that age, somewhere in my mind there must have been an inner voice that kept whispering to me "Give up".
Sometimes, people ask me how they can start learning English as I have been doing. To answer that question, I give them some advice such as what kind of social media are useful for us to start posting English comments as practice or any other ways of practicing I have been doing every day. However, although some of them even say thanks to me, they won't do their practice as I have told them.
These two things I've written above seem to be the same I guess, because I tend to stop doing what I really want to do from the bottom of my soul because of my weaknesses/cowardice. If this is true, then what kind of words/actions can work as actual pieces of advice/solutions? This morning, during the working time I thought about this issue. How could I have changed myself into a courageous person who has firm self-esteem enough to do what I want?
I can't tell... However, probably through various communication with other people (especially, with my friends), by using my poor English and Japanese, I have been able to train my so-called "communication skills" and also my self-image. Of course, as The Smiths sings shyness is a nice essence, though. As an autistic person, I have learned various cruel comments which still keep disturbing my decisions that might enable me to do what I want. Then, my soul has been always tortured into pieces... However, having this damaged soul, I want to try to do what I want.
This evening, I joined the weekly Zoom meeting with my friends. Today, we enjoyed so-called free talking/chatting time. our common friend had gotten an award, so we talked about how her efforts could have been so brilliant. "Do what you want", "Keep doing what you like", and "Believe in yourself"... Yes, these are right. However, in fact, "the first step" to do something must be the most difficult for us to try starting to do something. At least, I should remember how it could have been difficult for me because of this very weak, "slack" character.
