BGM: Blur - Young and Lovely
This morning, even though I had thought I wanted to read Haruki Murakami's "Underground", I couldn't concentrate and gave up. So on the memo pad, I started writing my current thoughts as usual, remembering Osamu Hashimoto, a splendid Japanese novelist/essayist's writing. As I have written in these journals, I always write my ideas using English, not my mother tongue Japanese. I can't see the reason why, but at least using English might suit me well.
This time, I thought about intelligence. As I have once written, I have never thought I am smart. Even now, I treat/accept myself as the laziest among the people I get along with. But as I have already written, the unknown/enigmatic senses in me might have been smart enough for me to guide this myself properly. Yes, maybe I don't own a smart, brilliant brain but I truly have keen senses within my mind.
I remember... when I was a teenager and a young idiot, I was attracted to a leftist circle in the college. At first, I had thought that everybody in this world (yes, actually including YOU) must be an idiot therefore I would be able to enlighten you well... Oh my! But, after communicating with elder members, my senses warned me because their opinions could come from too automatic, systematic thinking without any reflections... (even though, this is just my impression.)
As Hashimoto writes, I just need the ability (or a primal will) to think things in my head, not relying on various manuals or textbooks too much. As for me, thinking something means starting to do that by using not only my brain but my body, my full existence. Thinking about that as I have written above, I recall that my senses have helped me a lot during this troublesome life.
This afternoon, my job coach and I started discussing my issue. Through this serial trial with this job coach, I certainly start finding the meaning of working... I can see that she must have huge kindness and try to communicate with me by using plain, clear words to understand. That makes me well enough to keep on working more and more, even though I have never thought that this work suits me well...
