BGM: Fishmans - いかれたBaby
Today I worked late. This morning I went to AEON as usual, and at where I started reading Yukio Mishima's "Confessions of a Mask". Reading the memory of sensitive "first love" by his really crisp and honest writing, I thought how my first love was. Me, I doubt if I have such a sweet memory of it. Indeed, I could feel that kind of first love. But also I couldn't feel that I was "allowed" to have such a honest first love to someone else sincerely. I must not love anyone else... I believed like this, so I didn't talk to her even though I felt something lovely within a certain girl. Or I thought I shouldn't stand close to her, or stay in the same space with her... At that time, I believed myself as a "freak" or a "creature"... a really ugly "creep". I thought myself like that, so I couldn't join in the society of classmates. I felt loneliness and read a lot of books alone. That would lead me to be a heavy drinker. I had drank a lot to cure my soul from solitude.
Thinking myself like such an ugly idiot, grotesque monster... why can that kind of person love themselves? And, can they love someone else if they can't love themselves? I can't see... At my teenage days, I couldn't understand how to love myself or someone else, therefore I couldn't give a proper place to the emotion of love I had. Now I can see it must be silly, but I denied the emotion even if I loved a certain female classmate, and tried to think that "I must be haunted by random passion", "I shouldn't love someone else". I even tried to believe that I was asexual. Meanwhile, I had a trouble of desire coming from myself certainly. I remember now that there was no trustable person I could confess or discuss about. Yes, it was really a weird, sicken first love or youthful days.
And certainly, I remembered that today is a friend's birthday. She is a really precious, respectable person for me. Ah, I can still remember how our encountering was impressive. I had a sweet emotion of love to her... it was when I was 40 years old. And, "but she won't answer me because I am really a poor old dude" I thought. But, I tried to confess my thought to her with courage... and it became as a heartbroken ending. But the comment she said to me is still remaining and "working" in me. She said to me that "you shouldn't blame yourself in such a terrible way". At that time, I used to think myself as a really "lesser" person, so I showed how I was cowardly to others. Yes, I was quite a coward. But she suggested me like that severely and tenderly. Her comment and her existence are still a product of miracle for me. Ah, this can happen. Unbelievable.
Thinking about that, my eyes got hot. Ah, what if I didn't meet her... I couldn't see my autism honestly and directly, and also accept that. "I am a creep, a mistake in this world". I would believe this and lived in a dark side of this world. Or I wouldn't express myself in English like this. "I am a very uncool country dude therefore my English wouldn't work"... the encountering we had was a kind of "turning point" in my life. I thought so, and almost started sobbing. I sent her a LINE message to celebrate her birthday. I even thought that "my life was over"... but she changed everything. I also feel thankful that she is also thinking me as a "precious friend" of her. I am glad to that. Now, I am not lonely because I have a lot of precious friends. I have survived this hard life, and it was not any mistake for me. Ah... Fishmans' music really moved in such a sentimental day like this.
