Today was a day off. This morning I went to Aeon and read the book about Audrey Tang, "Blank spaces product value" there as a usual "morning activity". As I wrote before, Audrey Tang's books give me quite positive vibes. Probably because she won't deny anything directly, but tries to accept with her open mind. But it is not just an unreal idea, but a kind of trial by her with her great intelligence and sensitivity. Therefore her attitude is very honest. In her brain, what kind of thought is working? I am interested in.
About the problems of bullying in schools, she tells us that "even if you were bullied, you should like yourself. That's important", and this attracted my interest. Me, through being bullied in school, I started hating myself and losing any confidence in myself. I am extraordinary, strange, and therefore should die soon... then how could I take back this self-esteem? Now I like myself. As I wrote yesterday, I never think I am perfect. I should say I am weird, and so I say I like myself. I won't compare myself with anyone. I'm not greater than others. I'm not Shohei Ohtani. But I am only one. So I love myself...
In other words, I won't love myself because I am greater than someone. I am just this person and that's all. I am never anything else (indeed, I am a very ordinary person and not greater than anyone. I know that but I say this). Kenichi Yoshida, a Japanese intellectual said that "Trying to listen to outside, then I can hear the sound of my body moving. Listening to that means being in a happy state I think". Not trying to understand and like myself by my head only. For example, trying to shower sunlight with my body itself. At that trial, I can exactly feel a certain heat. It tells me that "I'm alive". That touch of "I'm alive" can have the truth of "I'm only one and no one else" I think.
At night, I went to a 'danshu' meeting, and I talked about my story there. At Aeon, I can find the sign of "autumn season", and buy the lunch box of fried oysters. I might be able to eat Sanma soon. I like Sanma, but Sanma recalls me the memory of drinking beers therefore it's sad... I confessed this. Like this, I confess my weakness. And through this activity, I have kept trying to find my weakness and say that to others. Finding one's weakness might be the start of loving ourselves. Not trying to get rid of weakness as a taboo, but face and looked at that honestly. In that activity, the key to self-love might be. What would Audrey Tang say about this?
