Once Kyouhei Sakaguchi, a Japanese artist, said that he had gotten recovered from his depression by a task of writing his inner scenery. He tried to write the desert in himself directly, and it worked as a medicine... and it became a novel as a result. I thought I would do the same task and did a trial of writing my novel like Vladimir Nabokov's "Lolita". But it ended in vain. It is impossible for me to write a novel... Today was a day off, and I thought that this diary had to be quitted just for today. It can happen and is OK, because the fact that I have been writing until now is just a piece of miracle. But, finally I wrote it. I should stay quiet, I say to myself. I guess I must be tired so seriously, and am too tired to stay calm or steadily.
And after I wrote my diary... I accepted many tender messages from various readers. It is really a happy fact. I am never strong or special (as this diary tells openly). Just I am a weak, wishy-washy one. But I started staying honest or dutiful to that weakness and writing about it. I am an alcohol addicted one, an autistic one, maybe an Highly Sensitive one... But I keep on saying to me that I should never say "I am special because of that weakness" (because it can mean "I am special" as a conclusion). It might work well. I have gotten many trustable friends. At the real world, on Discord, on other social media... I believe that is a true miracle.
Though I thought I should ease myself, I couldn't see how to do so. Even though at AEON there was a flee market, I stayed in my room and eased myself freely. I could read nothing (I felt the letters were really solid therefore I couldn't stop yawning even if I saw them). I tried to chat with someone but no one was online. I spent my time wastefully. It could happen... I should get myself freely because it will work as a good medicine to work on or live a happy life. It is a base of a happy life... I wrote my monologues on Discord. At 4 pm, I met a friend as a promise. I confessed myself to him. He is a priest so I thought he would understand my story as an issue of "a material desire".
He always gives me a precious healing time by his honest attitude. This story was also a great healing time for me. He suggested me that I should trust the "home base" in myself (an important time, space, activity). And watching the changing myself (even I am being moved by any factor). I can't run away from that material desire, so I should accept that myself as its true size. I think he said that truth. Then, it will vanish or become as mine... He never ran away from this kind of complicated topic. He never laughed at. I have to be thankful for this fact as my blog's comments. And after that, I got a message that said "I don't care if you can't write your diary every day" on Discord. Ah, a marvelous happiness. Meanwhile, how many times I said to myself that "I shall give up anymore".