BGM: Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
I was born as a man. Now is the era of diversity and the legend/superstition of "manlike" and "masculine" actually/eventually. That's a good thing for us. However, looking inside myself, I find that "the romanticism of being a man" or "the spirit as a man" somewhere in me. At least, I can't say that I have been liberated from the curse of "being manlike". When I am with any woman, I automatically feel that I need to "lead" and "save" that woman (this means that I can't be free from the idea of "leading/dominating the woman". So I need to do various things as "collaborations with the woman/women"). That is the limit from my stubborn character. Therefore I have been saying as "I am never a feminist" or "I have never thought I am a feminist in my life (of course, I am trying to become so)". I have to admit that I am an old dude, and trying to update my common sense's version every day. But does it work well?
Recently I have been thinking about that kind of "manlike spirit". I remember... that "manlike spirit in me" have let me quit alcohol until now. Or... that "manlike spirit" also has enabled me facing to the autism I have lived. Facing to it, and also trying to override. Also, learning English again from zero again, and thinking about becoming a bridge between this town and the world are from that "manlike spirit" too. My "manlike spirit" enables me seeing the future... Oh my! Today I am writing too much about "out of date", "stone age" content from stubborn point of view. But I can't live my life showing uncool myself. I am never a smart, sophisticated person. Like a rolling stone, I am living my unique life with sweating. Showing uncool myself... I am used to show that kind of "creepy" me.
I am just a weak person, and don't want to hide this fact. But I have been thinking that "I don't wanna be defeated" and "Never be a loser" somewhere in my heart. Even I am thinking "I want to win"... Maybe because I have been living in this life through being bullied a lot in classrooms. My dignity/pride has/have been tortured heavily, but it has brought/established my "spirit to live". I am not strong, and also not good at any sports. Physically, I am never a strong person. Just I am a "cultural", "introvert" person who likes reading and listening to... But I also have been attracted by "manlike fantasies" in my mind. Being attracted by someone's dandy atmosphere... For example, I have been attracted Takeshi Kitano's movie's character (in this summer season, I can remember "Kikujiro". I like that movie's main character Kikujiro). Or I enjoy the movie "Rocky" and cry a lot (Indeed, that kind of boxing can never exist in this world. That is a well-made fiction). I want to "win" in this game of my life, my reality.
Today I worked early. After today's work, I had an English conversation class. Today we enjoyed talking about travelling. About the teachers' memories of their travelling (they have interesting memories), about the great places to visit and dangerous places in Japan, and pros and cons of travelling alone... it was great lesson. But I am worrying about this. A member talked a lot in Japanese even though other members tried to use English. She never tried to show "HER English"... Why does she attend this lesson? Teachers make marvelous power point and papers of the lessons even though they are busy. They provide us really funny/interesting time. Other members are trying to use English because they can rarely use English in their lives. They don't have that kind of opportunities... But, why does she do so? She is simply shy? I want to say that "it's not good to hide your English" and "mottainai". If she will keep on hiding her English next week, I will say to her straightly this opinion... No, I want to say this softly, but clearly/actually.
